Eating and Exercising

So I've already broken two promises that I made to myself. I promised myself that I would not have a cheat day until Thanksgiving and the I would not weigh myself until the Monday of that cheat day. Not only did I cheat ALL weekend but also I got on the scale this Monday too. Well luckily for me, that "cheat day" that I had, even though I did not intend on having it, did not take the toll that I thought that it had. The scale told me I was down 4.6 lbs.

I know!! I'm shocked too!! When I looked down on the scale I thought, "REALLY!?? I ate almost nothing, but El Pollo Loco ALL weekend and I lose?" Well I have never been the kind of person to look a gift horse in the mouth so I will not start now. Thank you gods of fat for blessing me with a nearly 5 lb loss this on the week where I did little to no exercise.

Ok, so I would not say that is entirely true. I started parking further out in the parking lot so that I have to walk further to get inside, instead of lumbering up the stairs to my bedroom I have been kicking it up a little, AND the elliptical is now centrally located in the garage. I have not used it yet, but at least it is there. I may even use it tonight. Take a little 30 minute vacation from my life. Besides, I heard that exercising relieves stress and here with only two weeks of school left . . . I need a little stress relief.

In fact, now that I think about . . . what idiot convinced me that STARTING a diet during the last two weeks of school, at the start of the most food oriented holiday season, was a good idea? Oh yeah, that's right. The same idiot who thought that In 'N Out every Tuesday and Thursday for three weeks was a good idea. At least this time that idiot has some good sense.

Tussling with Temptation

Today was day three of the Special K challenge. I am beginning to think that there is a reason that diets are all called challenges. The "Special K Easy" just is not true. It is a challenge and today was no exception. It was one of those days where a cheeseburger and vanilla shake seem to be the only thing that can cure what ails one.

I've been drinking a TON of water and therefore hitting the head a lot more than usual and I think that I need to start using the bathroom in another building. Not only will I NOT have to walk by the damn vending machine four and five times a day, but I'll actually get a little more milage in during my day. The main problem is that on days like today, the really stressful days, those vending machine items look pretty tasty. Especially since they suddenly have sea salt and vinegar lays in the machine. I wanted them so badly that I could almost taste them. Luckily it was too busy for me to even eat the fruit and Special K snacks that I brought.

So I am choking back my INCREDIBLE craving for In N' Out. Cause let's not pretend that I do not suddenly feel like I have not had a a burger in years!! But I have made a promise to myself that I will not break this easy. I had a personal goal that my first cheat day will be Thanksgiving, after all who wants to eat Special K products alone on Thanksgiving? Certainly not I, it would be downright sacrilegious. Hopefully I will be able to meet this goal.

I have also promised myself that I will not weigh myself until the monday of that week. I think that the fluctuations caused by various things will only discourage me. Rather than ruin all the hard work that I have and will do, I think it is for the best. Not seeing a number that might disturb me, is certain to keep me away from burgers and twix bars, if that is even possible to be dissuaded from such deliciousness.

Antics and Anniversaries

Maybe it is the (very strong) gin and tonic I drank at dinner tonight or my general lack of spelling skills, but "anniversaries" looks silly to me. For whatever reason, I wish I could say why, but "anniversary's" just looks nicer. Probably the gin talking really.

So all that aside, today is my and my fiancé's third year anniversary. We've also officially been engaged for a year today as well. A busy, busy day. Three years ago today we were eating dinner at the Palmdale Applebee's when Chris practically begged me to be his girlfriend. It was really quite adorable. Ok, so there was not any begging involved, but there was a lot of shock on my part. I had not really been expecting what we had to develop into a relationship. I had been attempting to resist the idea of a relationship, but damn his charm!! It did not work and we were boyfriend and girlfriend . . . literally. We do not really call each other by our given names, unless he's in trouble or he's breaking up with me. ;)

At any rate last year he asked me to be his wife and I accepted. We were at the happiest place on earth's neighbor (California Adventure) on my favorite ride EVER, Soarin' over California. It was pretty awesome to say the least.

Now we are planning the wedding. Right now it is mostly finalizing things as the wedding is in little over 5 months (which totally does not freak me out). It has been an exciting year and people did not lie when they say that the time would FLY by. I almost feel like I do not have any time left, but when I stop (to breath) I can recognize all the work that is already done and it makes me feel much better. I know that the next few months are going to fly by and be even more of a blur, it is the holiday season after all, and soon enough I will be wondering if I can make it down the aisle without passing out or crying.

For now I am going to go enjoy the rest of the night with my baby and the new Ipod touch I got for our anniversary. Yay me!!!

Troubles and Triumphs

Hello all!! I am back!! There is something quite refreshing about the first of a new month. Especially one with such a crisp bite in the air. Autumn has always been my most favorite time of the year. There is something cathartic about nature shedding itself only to be born again in the spring. I have often wondered what could inspire me to get off of my laurels and I never expected it would be me. I have just resolved that this month won't be like the others. I am tired of waiting around whining about how unhappy I am that I have gained weight, but all the while doing nothing about it.

I think I may have written about this in another blog, but I used to watch Dr. Phil ALL THE TIME!! I could not get enough of that happy bald man and his little "isms." I even once bought the self matters books, but I never even cracked them open and I could not begin to tell you where they went. In all the hours I spent watching Dr. Phil fixing other people and wishing it was me, there was one thing that he said many times that I never could quite shake from my head: "Fake it til you make it."

The first time I heard it I thought it sounded absurd. But after time the phrase began to take on a new meaning to me. The whole time I was dating my ex, I was never really myself. I was "faking it," hoping that I would make it. I used it recently with a friend and he thought it absurd too. He says, "If I hide myself wherever I go, am I ever really there?" This idea hit me like a ton of bricks. I know that this isn't entirely the idea that Dr. Phil means by this and despite my friend's astute observation of this phrase I still have decided to "fake it" . . . a little.

I am no longer going to pretend that I am happy when I am not or swallow feelings to avoid confrontation. I am a grown woman and I deserve to have my feelings heard, validated even. I am going to be present in my life, even if that means having conversations that are hard to have. So be it. They almost always HAVE to be had, but people spend so much time walking on egg shells for other people, but not me anymore.

Where am I going to "fake it" then? In my diet and exercise. I am going to "fake it" that I LOVE dieting and exercise. I was very nearly close to loving it when I was going last time, but last time there was too much stress involved for me. So this time I am alleviating the stress of working out. I am starting sllllloooowwwwwllly. This coming weekend we are bringing the elliptical to the new house. Rather than hoofing out to the gym at God's hour, I will hoof it downstairs to the garage and enjoy a private workout. I know eventually that I will want to hoof it to the gym as I do really want to go again, I just don't have the energy for all that yet. I need to build up the tolerance I had.

I have also started on the path to healthy eating again. It has been 5 days since my last fast food encounter and I intend to make that even longer. I have accepted the Special K challenge, but I will also be combining it with Weight Watchers. The rules for the Special K challenge are as follows:

Breakfast - Special K cereal with 2/3 cup skim milk and fruit.

Lunch - A Special K protein shake or bar and fruit

Dinner - Eat third meal as you normally do.

Snacks - Enjoy as many fruits and veggies as you like and indulge in two Special K snacks per day.

Sounds pretty self explanatory, but where the weight watchers comes into play is with the third meal. It is not going to do me any good to have In N' Out as my third meal so I should still be choosing a meal that keeps me within my points value for the day as well as something that I would "normally" eat. Let's not pretend I couldn't rationalize to myself exactly why I COULD eat In N' Out as my third meal, after all "I did sooooo good eating all the Special K food throughout the day."

So here I go on day 1 (again). Hopefully this time I have the chops to make it all the way through. Although (dirty-little-secret-time), I HAVE to make it work this time. I've gained some weight in the last couple of months and right now I don't fit in my wedding dress. It makes me feel like I've let down myself and my mom by allowing this to happen, but I have the power to fix it and this time I will.

Weight Watchers

So here is the thing about Weight Watchers . . . It has NEVER let me down. I have been on the plan more times than I came remember. In fact, the program has changed three times since the first time I was a member so that has to tell you something. I have always been able to follow the plan and reach my goal weight safely and healthily (if that is even a word). So knowing that you must be asking yourself the same question that I always ask myself: "If Weight Watchers is so good, why then are you (or am I when I ask it in my head) back up to 173.4?" Well my faithful followers, that is an easy question for me to answer. Weight Watchers IS fantastic, it's me that's the problem.

I like to think that my failure with the program comes from a coupling of my own arrogance and laziness. That's right folks!! My dirty little secret is out.

It isn't that I am not good at the program. I have gained and lost the weight of an average sized adult in all my endeavors with the program, it is the maintenance that is my problem. When I am on program I am dedicated to it. I will measure and weigh EVERYTHING!!! Nothing goes into my body without first being checked by the points calculator. This time around (since I am actually at the highest weight I have ever been) I get to eat 23 points a day. Yesterday I made a Turkey sandwich on Whole Wheat bread and it was 4 points and delicious, but the small bag of potato chips was 5 points and I just wasn't willing to eat 5 points in chips. Not when I could have had 2 plums, an orange, grapes, carrots, and an apple all for 5 points too.

Now don't get me wrong. I allow myself cheat days and free meals, but only after I have been on the plan successfully for a month. Then I will allow myself one meal, one day a week to "binge." But by then, it isn't even really binging because my appetite has shrank so I still have a smaller portion of the cheat meal than I would have if I wasn't on point. AND I always add it to the tracker even if it makes me go over for the week. Even then, I still show losses on the scale consistently week after week.

So where do I go wrong? Well I get down to the fabulous weight that I want to be and then I start the maintenance portion of the program and the arrogance kicks in. "I know what a cup looks like, I don't have to measure that." "I can tell how big 4 oz of meat is, I don't need to weight that." "Today is my cheat day, I can go to Del Taco AND Olive Garden today." "I don't feel good today, I am just going to skip the gym for TODAY only." "Its only 1 beer!" Then the next thing you know I have gained 50 pounds.

In my mind I know that Weight Watchers isn't meant to be a diet. A diet is a fad or a new years resolution. Weight Watchers is meant to help institute a lifestyle change and I am all for it when I am losing. I lose the motivation somewhere between reaching that goal and attempting to maintain it.

Hopefully this blog will help me stay accountable.

Rhapsodizing for Rosemary

For those of my followers who have been wondering what happened to me: No, I did not fall of the face of the earth. The earth is round and this isn't possible. Quite frankly I am disappointed in all of you for believing this to be possible in the first place, but this is the AV and the Flat Earth society does have a large following here so I shouldn't be surprised.

So since gravity and a round earth are still in full effect . . . where have I been? Well . . . I've been in limbo.

So the ten pounds that I lost earlier on in this blog are back and bastards that they are, they brought friends. I can't even begin to tell you how many friends because I refuse to step on the scale right now. I don't think it is good for me. I've been thinking more and more about what causes me to take these relapses before I've even really gotten started: Pressure!

Queen had it right way back in 81 when they said, "Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure." It is a killer. And while some people thrive and do their best work under it, I shut down.

I thought that the contest, which I easily lost, was going to be a great way to get into shape. I was going to be eating healthy with my friends and we were all going to get into shape and work out together and "blah blah blah." All I could think about was losing and letting them down. This just made me want to sneak more food. "If I go to In n Out today, they won't know." And really Eli and Katie wouldn't have known if I didn't tell them (until they saw me getting fatter and fatter). I just couldn't handle the pressure, the deadline, the whole challenge. The closer the date came, the less I wanted to count calories and the less I actually did.

Taco Bell's delicious Mexican Pizza and In N Out were too much for this shaky lady and at the end of the day (and the contest) they were the real winners.

Don't get me wrong, I by no means consider myself a loser in all this. It did manage to help me realize one thing . . . I don't want to feel like my weight loss is connected to the success or failure of someone else. I can't want to do it because Eli is ready and is going to go at it. I clearly wasn't ready. I can't want to do it because Katie joins the challenge, although it did renew my vigor for a spell. I have to want to do it because I want to do it. And I do want to do it, but that isn't going to be enough this time.

I am going to have to learn that people have cravings. It happens. AND I have to let myself have them. If I want an In N Out cheeseburger who says I shouldn't? If I was eating nothing, but burgers from In N Out for every meal every single day we could have a conversation, but one every now and then isn't going to kill me and I should get off my own back when I give in.

This brings me to the second thing I have to learn: forgiveness. I need to learn that one cheeseburger isn't going to ruin my long term goals for weight loss and healthy eating. Sure it may mess up a week (hence the refusal to get on a scale), but a potato with too much salt can do that too. And if I plan a way to curb the craving it may not be as bad as I think.

Finally, I need to not think in terms of weight. I don't really want to "lose" weight per se . . . I want the weight to look better on me. I know that somewhere in there I am going to be losing something, but that shouldn't be my focus. This "lose lose lose" mentality that I have every time I challenge myself adds pressure to my goals and then I mess up all over again. This time it is going to be about measurements and how I feel. That is the true testament to being healthy.

So no more 60 day weight loss challenges! No more unrealistic long term goals! No more pressure to achieve right away!! Now is the time to make things better slowly!!

My first goal on my new path to eating better and getting moving: Get on a solid sleep cycle within 2 weeks. This will help me have the energy I need to get back to the gym.

As for today I think that so far I have done pretty well. I had a healthy cereal with non-fat milk and an orange for breakfast and snack. Ribs, mashed potatoes, and pasta for lunch which was perfectly portioned out by my good friend/roomie Stacy (which upon first glance did not look like enough food, but totally was) and a fiber one bar. I have a peach and a small 2 oz bag of chips on deck for a snack in case I get hungry before I get off of work.

I can't tell you how many calories I have consumed or burned today because I can't begin to care right now. All I do know is that I made a healthier decision just by bringing smaller portions and fruit instead of processed snacks (save the chips, but they're at least kettle cooked chips). Ultimately the one thing that I forget the most is the one thing I should always attempt to remember, "Nothing tastes as good as being fit and healthy feels."

For my Faithful Followers

It has been a long good while since I sat down to write anything. This is mostly due to the fact that I haven't really had anything to write about. I haven't been eating well. Exercise is a joke to me and I managed to gain all my weight back. Plus 1 pound. So to say that I have been embarrassed to admit this would be an understatement. I am disgusted with myself.

Mostly because I knew what I was doing and I didn't care. I also didn't try to stop it. It is just more par for the course. Stress, school, relationships, and added moving to the heap of stuff that drives me to eat and what did I do. I ate.

I could have gone to the gym and worked my aggressions out, but who are we kidding? Panda Express sounded way better than sweating. I don't know what is wrong with me that I cannot allow myself to be happy, but I am hoping that I can figure it out before I am no longer a spectator for the Biggest Loser, I'm a contestant.

Weekly Weigh-in Week 4

Ok, so I know that this is about 5 days too late, but I swear that I have been writing and re-writing this blog as each day goes by and for those of you who have wanted to read it . . . I guarantee that I have wanted to write it even more.

In weight-loss attempts in the past I've been known to be a dirty food liar, which is something that I always acknowledged in myself, but this past week another dieting revelation was revealed to me: I also lie to myself.

This week has been a rough one for me. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions that started with the weigh-in. This past week I maintained my weight. I know that I lost inches, however, because I had to cinch that belt just one loop tighter, but no actual pounds lost. I was happy to gain, but disappointed in what the scale said.

I went into full on pity party mode . . . I stopped cleaning the apartment, I stopped trying to get to bed at a decent hour, I stopped caring about the competition and what I ate, I stopped caring about school. I was ALL-IN!! Several times I said to myself, "Why even bother?" I cried A LOT!! Then to top it off, my cat fell ill. For which I also felt responsible for and with no money in the bank, I couldn't even fix with a trip to the vet.

I was virtually toast. I was exhausted, but not sleeping. I was laying like a sloth on the couch instead of doing homework, putting myself even further behind, I was lying to myself, desperate to convince myself that it wasn't worth eating healthy if I wasn't going to feel healthy or see results.

But who am I kidding, besides myself? I didn't exactly count my calories last week like I did the week I lost almost 4 lbs. Or this week even since I was too busy trying to convince myself that it wasn't something that I did wrong, I just wasn't meant to lose weight. I am destined to live unhealthy and unhappy.

Enter the Biggest Loser and fellow contestant Eli.

I was watching this Tuesday's episode and was literally lecturing (out loud) one of the contestant's about how far he had come. I was saying things to him that I wish I could say to myself. He cried, I cried, but in the end, the two of us (Mike and I) are in the same boat . . . we have problems, but we don't how to fix them.

This is where the conversation with Eli comes in. He says, "You know you're doing exactly what you want right?" Of course I do! I eat what I want, when I want (provided I have the money to do so) and sure I feel guilty about it later, but I can't help it. There I said it. I can't help myself. The easiest thing for a person to say is, "I'm not going to have fast food today," and then not have fast food that day. If I was that person, I wouldn't be here where I am. I would have lost more than 3.8 lbs in a month.

I've resigned myself to paying for the food day. In fact, sometimes, being in the competition makes me feel like giving up. I'll just pay for it and go back to eating the way that I have been and continue to be unhappy until I can find the drive to change the things I need to change. Or at least until I can figure out what the hell needs to change. All the external motivation isn't working on me and I am sad to say that I don't know what I need to do internally to change.

My separated twin Christi (ST) and I were talking today about the Biggest Loser today and how they always say that it isn't actually losing the weight that is hard. It isn't the physicality of the weight loss, it is all the mental crap that goes into it. So for now, since I don't feel that I am any closer to breaking the mental block than I was when I started on the road to a healthier me, I am going to have fake it. Dr. Phil told a lady on his show once that all she needed to do was "fake it 'til you make it." I am certainly going to fake it.

I am embarking on a new journey over the course of this competition. Friends of ours (Stacy and Rob) have graciously allowed for us to move in with them which is a huge financial break for us all. I am hoping that with a little extra money (and an extra fridge) that I will finally have the funds required to give my diet the attention that it needs. I also think that the stress that will be relieved by this arrangement is going to allow me the time to stop worrying about things I haven't been able to stop from piling up and to begin focusing on myself. Only time can tell from here.

Attitudes, Anger, and Appetite

I already knew that I was an emotional eater. I eat when I am sad, lonely, bored, and especially when I am happy. If I had a dime for every piece of food that I have put into my mouth because of some emotion that I had, I probably wouldn't care about the predicament that I currently find myself in. However, I am not rich and the bank is attempting to steal $25 of my money.

At first it was $50. I talked to the CSR on the phone and she told me she couldn't do anything for me and that I was going to have to talk to the branch manager. He was nice enough to tell me that I he would reverse one charge, "Against his better judgement?," but that he could not possibly reverse the other one. I worked in customer service practically my whole life, I KNOW that these charges can be reversed. They were NSF fees. They have no reasonable expectations to that money. They didn't know they were going to make $50 from me in a 24 hour period. All they knew is that they are jerks.

So I flat told him that he was a liar. He could possibly return that fee and that I needed to now talk to his manager. He transferred me to his manager who also told me that she couldn't reverse the fee either. After much arguing (and the tutoring center can attest that I was very convincing and surprisingly calm all things considered) she finally said, "Ma'am, you're right. I CAN return the fee, however, I am not going to." :O

I still did NOT lose my temper. I asked to talk to her manager. She gives me the number of the VP of operations for my bank, Edwards Federal Credit Union in case you were wondering, and I have left him a message, but like all good jerks, he didn't call me back before the close of business. I do not anticipate a phone call. I have given up hope that they will do the right thing and return my $25 that I still feel that they stole.

So what did I do? At first I was good. I counted calories. I ate what I was supposed to and I was good, but I was angry!! Being angry made me feel as though I had been left to fend myself for the last nine days. Unbeknownst to me, anger is another emotion that sends me to the fridge.

So here it is 10:44 pm and I pretty much took my day out in the three drinks I've had tonight (cranberry and malibu), nacho's, chips and guac, salsa, cheese, and Erin's delicious cream cheese dip. I didn't count. I actually won't be counting. I don't really know what I am going to do with today's events. Probably put a sad face in the book I log my food. Probably just pretend that it didn't happen. I haven't decided, but I know that whatever I do has to be coupled with a trip to the gym.

I feel like if I hadn't wussed out on the gym I wouldn't have needed to eat. I would have been pissed, gone to the gym, and worked out all my anger and instead I succumbed to the anger. I know that this whole thing is about attitudes. I need to find a better way to think about things. If it wasn't such a bad time to be out $25, I probably wouldn't have been so distraught, so now I've just realized that I need to change my attitude. I hope that ONE DAY I will be able to change it enough that my appetite will no longer be connected to each other.

Weekly Weigh in Week 3

I haven't blogged in DAYS and I must say that it is killing me. I think that I am beginning to crave blogging more than eating now. Which is a HUGE leap considering how much I love food, but it is very true.

So let's cut to the meat . . . Yesterday was a weigh-in day. Last Monday I weighed-in with no loss and no gain, but it was my birthday weekend and I didn't really count calories at all. To say I was a little disappointed would be an understatement. But I was renewed with vigor that day. Also by the fact that when I went to pick up my wedding dress it was a little tight.

I didn't mention that before because it made me a little sad and very embarrassed. I had a goal to get that beautiful dress altered, but I wanted it taken in. At the rate I was going I was going to have to have it exchanged for a heftier size. So this week I was determined to do better. Not to try to do better, but to just flat DO better.

So me and Eli worked it out that I was to eat about 1500 to 1800 calories a day. To me this seemed a little excessive and I thought I was in for a little sabotaging, but then I remembered that he is my friend first and competitor second, so I aimed for that goal. Monday I had 2230, but 830 of those was sushi so I didn't feel too bad. Tuesday I was at 1473. Wednesday was 1556. Thursday was 1446. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I didn't actually count. I was aware of what I was eating. I made smart decisions, but I didn't write anything down.

So how did the last three days effect my weigh-in? Well I stepped on the scale and . . . down 3.8. That is right folks!! I lost almost 4 lbs. The best part is that my back is still on the fritz so I haven't even been able to hit the gym yet and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to lose ANY weight. I had this fear that I was going to be stuck in this rut until I could really workout. Happy to see that this is not so. I can lose the weight, it will just be the toning that will be on hold for now.

So now that I know what I am capable of with and without the aid of the gym (which I am also actually craving) I think that I have a real shot in this competition and I think that my competitors should be very very afraid. :D