Sushi, Starbucks, & (S)In-N-Out

Certainly anyone living in the southwest can attest to the deliciousness of In-N-Out. It is addictive, but ultra fattening and I had some today. Along with the new Dark Cherry Mocha from Starbucks and sushi. Not the healthy sashimi sushi, but the fattening delicious spicy mayonnaise filled sushi. Isn't it sad that all the foods that taste the best are the worst for you?

I originally started this blog in the hopes that it would be cathartic during a breakup AND simultaneously launch me into notoriety. I hoped that someone would read my brilliant insights, option them to into a book/movie deal (a la Sex in the City) and then I would be rich!!! I'd be free to go to school without the annoyance of a job and I could focus more time to blogging.

Then I met the man who would become my Fiance and my angst, not to mention motivation, towards my scathing blog was gone (thanks Honey!).

Blogging was then resurrected after I saw Julie & Julia. A fire was lit to blog about the hardships and horrors associated with a full-time Graduate schedule, a full-time job, and planning a wedding. Unfortunately we gave ourselves a year and things have been going pretty swimmingly planning the wedding and we have more than half of the decisions made. In fact, I should have been blogging about my evil, reading Nazi teacher who gave me a B+, but I was too busy trying to read everything to actually write. Now I am drawn to the keyboard for a different reason. Myself.

As of today I stand 5'3", 169.8 lbs. My ma

in measurements are 42 1/4, 39 3/4, 43 1/4.

Here I am in the first bikini that I ever bought. I bought this when I was 10 lbs lighter and I feel as though I looked much better in it than I do today.

When I look at this picture, as I type this blog, and I realize what I am doing here, I become extremely nervous. Those who know me may be shocked to find out that I am actually extremely insecure.

The fact this photo is even on this blog is completely out of my character because of how I feel when I look at it. I see FAT. I don't see the funny, outgoing, smart girl that I am. I see a girl who is a prisoner in her own body because I do feel trapped. I want to be one of those people who say, "I don't care what people think of me, but I do." When I order food at restaurants, I feel like other people are thinking, "she probably shouldn't be eating that." I feel like people can tell that my pants are too tight, or that they can see my muffin top.

The worst is trying on clothes. Shopping isn't therapeutic for me. It is a depressing, anxiety filled activity that inevitably ends with me in tears. It doesn't help that the last time I was doing so, I tried on a top that, admittedly didn't flatter me at all, and a lady asked me how far along I was. She even rubbed my stomach!!! I wanted to vomit and I cried the whole way back to my apartment, but then what? I convinced my Fiance to stop at Del Taco.

Here is the problem: I am unhappy with my weight, but I solve my unhappiness with food. Actually I solve everything with food. In fact, I may or may not have eaten my leftover Hawaiian BBQ on the way from Fiance's to my apartment. It was partly because I was hungry, but mostly because I was terrified about embarking on this journey. If I am bored, I eat. Tired, I eat. Sad, I eat. Frustrated, I eat.

I've tried every fad diet ever created from the Hollywood Diet to Atkins to Slimfast to Weight Watchers. I've lost weight, felt great then relapsed. Lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, gain. January 2010, I went from 169 to 159 and here it is April 2010 and I am again 169!! I used to wonder how it happened. Where things went wrong. How I allowed myself to fall into the same old patterns.

My friend Eli and I are about to have a contest, Biggest Loser style. Which one of us can lose the highest percentage of body fat in 90 days. Nothing has been settled yet as to what the winner wins (other than a better selg body image), but as I set out on this contest I wonder what makes this next 90 days different than the past 15 years worth of weight gain and loss and the answer is clear . . . this blog.

Here is my dirty little secret: I am a hider. "Did you eat well today?" "Yes, I had oatmeal, grapes, a sandwich, carrots and fat free ranch, and salmon for dinner." Sure, I failed to mention the twix bar I extracted from the vending machine, the girl scout cookies, and probably a half a bag of chips (sorry Fiance). After all wasn't most of the day eating well? Even this post title leaves out the French Toast I had also today (although that had more to do with alliteration than trying to hide food).

I decided that when I did it this time it WAS going to be different. That I was going to be different. I apologize to those of you who have fallen prey to my hiding, but now it's out. Say something out loud to yourself, you can pretend it never happened. Say something out loud to a friend or loved one, you can ask them to pretend it never happened. Say something out loud to the world, you have accountability. Now people know.

So here we go. A clean attempt at exercise and weight loss. I'm ready to be happy with myself although most of those who know me probably never knew I wasn't. I'm finally ready to live a life that includes the life I try to lead. Hopefully this blog will help me with that. I promise that not all posts will be as long as this one, but they will most certainly be as honest.