Eating and Exercising

So I've already broken two promises that I made to myself. I promised myself that I would not have a cheat day until Thanksgiving and the I would not weigh myself until the Monday of that cheat day. Not only did I cheat ALL weekend but also I got on the scale this Monday too. Well luckily for me, that "cheat day" that I had, even though I did not intend on having it, did not take the toll that I thought that it had. The scale told me I was down 4.6 lbs.

I know!! I'm shocked too!! When I looked down on the scale I thought, "REALLY!?? I ate almost nothing, but El Pollo Loco ALL weekend and I lose?" Well I have never been the kind of person to look a gift horse in the mouth so I will not start now. Thank you gods of fat for blessing me with a nearly 5 lb loss this on the week where I did little to no exercise.

Ok, so I would not say that is entirely true. I started parking further out in the parking lot so that I have to walk further to get inside, instead of lumbering up the stairs to my bedroom I have been kicking it up a little, AND the elliptical is now centrally located in the garage. I have not used it yet, but at least it is there. I may even use it tonight. Take a little 30 minute vacation from my life. Besides, I heard that exercising relieves stress and here with only two weeks of school left . . . I need a little stress relief.

In fact, now that I think about . . . what idiot convinced me that STARTING a diet during the last two weeks of school, at the start of the most food oriented holiday season, was a good idea? Oh yeah, that's right. The same idiot who thought that In 'N Out every Tuesday and Thursday for three weeks was a good idea. At least this time that idiot has some good sense.

Tussling with Temptation

Today was day three of the Special K challenge. I am beginning to think that there is a reason that diets are all called challenges. The "Special K Easy" just is not true. It is a challenge and today was no exception. It was one of those days where a cheeseburger and vanilla shake seem to be the only thing that can cure what ails one.

I've been drinking a TON of water and therefore hitting the head a lot more than usual and I think that I need to start using the bathroom in another building. Not only will I NOT have to walk by the damn vending machine four and five times a day, but I'll actually get a little more milage in during my day. The main problem is that on days like today, the really stressful days, those vending machine items look pretty tasty. Especially since they suddenly have sea salt and vinegar lays in the machine. I wanted them so badly that I could almost taste them. Luckily it was too busy for me to even eat the fruit and Special K snacks that I brought.

So I am choking back my INCREDIBLE craving for In N' Out. Cause let's not pretend that I do not suddenly feel like I have not had a a burger in years!! But I have made a promise to myself that I will not break this easy. I had a personal goal that my first cheat day will be Thanksgiving, after all who wants to eat Special K products alone on Thanksgiving? Certainly not I, it would be downright sacrilegious. Hopefully I will be able to meet this goal.

I have also promised myself that I will not weigh myself until the monday of that week. I think that the fluctuations caused by various things will only discourage me. Rather than ruin all the hard work that I have and will do, I think it is for the best. Not seeing a number that might disturb me, is certain to keep me away from burgers and twix bars, if that is even possible to be dissuaded from such deliciousness.

Antics and Anniversaries

Maybe it is the (very strong) gin and tonic I drank at dinner tonight or my general lack of spelling skills, but "anniversaries" looks silly to me. For whatever reason, I wish I could say why, but "anniversary's" just looks nicer. Probably the gin talking really.

So all that aside, today is my and my fiancé's third year anniversary. We've also officially been engaged for a year today as well. A busy, busy day. Three years ago today we were eating dinner at the Palmdale Applebee's when Chris practically begged me to be his girlfriend. It was really quite adorable. Ok, so there was not any begging involved, but there was a lot of shock on my part. I had not really been expecting what we had to develop into a relationship. I had been attempting to resist the idea of a relationship, but damn his charm!! It did not work and we were boyfriend and girlfriend . . . literally. We do not really call each other by our given names, unless he's in trouble or he's breaking up with me. ;)

At any rate last year he asked me to be his wife and I accepted. We were at the happiest place on earth's neighbor (California Adventure) on my favorite ride EVER, Soarin' over California. It was pretty awesome to say the least.

Now we are planning the wedding. Right now it is mostly finalizing things as the wedding is in little over 5 months (which totally does not freak me out). It has been an exciting year and people did not lie when they say that the time would FLY by. I almost feel like I do not have any time left, but when I stop (to breath) I can recognize all the work that is already done and it makes me feel much better. I know that the next few months are going to fly by and be even more of a blur, it is the holiday season after all, and soon enough I will be wondering if I can make it down the aisle without passing out or crying.

For now I am going to go enjoy the rest of the night with my baby and the new Ipod touch I got for our anniversary. Yay me!!!

Troubles and Triumphs

Hello all!! I am back!! There is something quite refreshing about the first of a new month. Especially one with such a crisp bite in the air. Autumn has always been my most favorite time of the year. There is something cathartic about nature shedding itself only to be born again in the spring. I have often wondered what could inspire me to get off of my laurels and I never expected it would be me. I have just resolved that this month won't be like the others. I am tired of waiting around whining about how unhappy I am that I have gained weight, but all the while doing nothing about it.

I think I may have written about this in another blog, but I used to watch Dr. Phil ALL THE TIME!! I could not get enough of that happy bald man and his little "isms." I even once bought the self matters books, but I never even cracked them open and I could not begin to tell you where they went. In all the hours I spent watching Dr. Phil fixing other people and wishing it was me, there was one thing that he said many times that I never could quite shake from my head: "Fake it til you make it."

The first time I heard it I thought it sounded absurd. But after time the phrase began to take on a new meaning to me. The whole time I was dating my ex, I was never really myself. I was "faking it," hoping that I would make it. I used it recently with a friend and he thought it absurd too. He says, "If I hide myself wherever I go, am I ever really there?" This idea hit me like a ton of bricks. I know that this isn't entirely the idea that Dr. Phil means by this and despite my friend's astute observation of this phrase I still have decided to "fake it" . . . a little.

I am no longer going to pretend that I am happy when I am not or swallow feelings to avoid confrontation. I am a grown woman and I deserve to have my feelings heard, validated even. I am going to be present in my life, even if that means having conversations that are hard to have. So be it. They almost always HAVE to be had, but people spend so much time walking on egg shells for other people, but not me anymore.

Where am I going to "fake it" then? In my diet and exercise. I am going to "fake it" that I LOVE dieting and exercise. I was very nearly close to loving it when I was going last time, but last time there was too much stress involved for me. So this time I am alleviating the stress of working out. I am starting sllllloooowwwwwllly. This coming weekend we are bringing the elliptical to the new house. Rather than hoofing out to the gym at God's hour, I will hoof it downstairs to the garage and enjoy a private workout. I know eventually that I will want to hoof it to the gym as I do really want to go again, I just don't have the energy for all that yet. I need to build up the tolerance I had.

I have also started on the path to healthy eating again. It has been 5 days since my last fast food encounter and I intend to make that even longer. I have accepted the Special K challenge, but I will also be combining it with Weight Watchers. The rules for the Special K challenge are as follows:

Breakfast - Special K cereal with 2/3 cup skim milk and fruit.

Lunch - A Special K protein shake or bar and fruit

Dinner - Eat third meal as you normally do.

Snacks - Enjoy as many fruits and veggies as you like and indulge in two Special K snacks per day.

Sounds pretty self explanatory, but where the weight watchers comes into play is with the third meal. It is not going to do me any good to have In N' Out as my third meal so I should still be choosing a meal that keeps me within my points value for the day as well as something that I would "normally" eat. Let's not pretend I couldn't rationalize to myself exactly why I COULD eat In N' Out as my third meal, after all "I did sooooo good eating all the Special K food throughout the day."

So here I go on day 1 (again). Hopefully this time I have the chops to make it all the way through. Although (dirty-little-secret-time), I HAVE to make it work this time. I've gained some weight in the last couple of months and right now I don't fit in my wedding dress. It makes me feel like I've let down myself and my mom by allowing this to happen, but I have the power to fix it and this time I will.

Weight Watchers

So here is the thing about Weight Watchers . . . It has NEVER let me down. I have been on the plan more times than I came remember. In fact, the program has changed three times since the first time I was a member so that has to tell you something. I have always been able to follow the plan and reach my goal weight safely and healthily (if that is even a word). So knowing that you must be asking yourself the same question that I always ask myself: "If Weight Watchers is so good, why then are you (or am I when I ask it in my head) back up to 173.4?" Well my faithful followers, that is an easy question for me to answer. Weight Watchers IS fantastic, it's me that's the problem.

I like to think that my failure with the program comes from a coupling of my own arrogance and laziness. That's right folks!! My dirty little secret is out.

It isn't that I am not good at the program. I have gained and lost the weight of an average sized adult in all my endeavors with the program, it is the maintenance that is my problem. When I am on program I am dedicated to it. I will measure and weigh EVERYTHING!!! Nothing goes into my body without first being checked by the points calculator. This time around (since I am actually at the highest weight I have ever been) I get to eat 23 points a day. Yesterday I made a Turkey sandwich on Whole Wheat bread and it was 4 points and delicious, but the small bag of potato chips was 5 points and I just wasn't willing to eat 5 points in chips. Not when I could have had 2 plums, an orange, grapes, carrots, and an apple all for 5 points too.

Now don't get me wrong. I allow myself cheat days and free meals, but only after I have been on the plan successfully for a month. Then I will allow myself one meal, one day a week to "binge." But by then, it isn't even really binging because my appetite has shrank so I still have a smaller portion of the cheat meal than I would have if I wasn't on point. AND I always add it to the tracker even if it makes me go over for the week. Even then, I still show losses on the scale consistently week after week.

So where do I go wrong? Well I get down to the fabulous weight that I want to be and then I start the maintenance portion of the program and the arrogance kicks in. "I know what a cup looks like, I don't have to measure that." "I can tell how big 4 oz of meat is, I don't need to weight that." "Today is my cheat day, I can go to Del Taco AND Olive Garden today." "I don't feel good today, I am just going to skip the gym for TODAY only." "Its only 1 beer!" Then the next thing you know I have gained 50 pounds.

In my mind I know that Weight Watchers isn't meant to be a diet. A diet is a fad or a new years resolution. Weight Watchers is meant to help institute a lifestyle change and I am all for it when I am losing. I lose the motivation somewhere between reaching that goal and attempting to maintain it.

Hopefully this blog will help me stay accountable.

Rhapsodizing for Rosemary

For those of my followers who have been wondering what happened to me: No, I did not fall of the face of the earth. The earth is round and this isn't possible. Quite frankly I am disappointed in all of you for believing this to be possible in the first place, but this is the AV and the Flat Earth society does have a large following here so I shouldn't be surprised.

So since gravity and a round earth are still in full effect . . . where have I been? Well . . . I've been in limbo.

So the ten pounds that I lost earlier on in this blog are back and bastards that they are, they brought friends. I can't even begin to tell you how many friends because I refuse to step on the scale right now. I don't think it is good for me. I've been thinking more and more about what causes me to take these relapses before I've even really gotten started: Pressure!

Queen had it right way back in 81 when they said, "Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure." It is a killer. And while some people thrive and do their best work under it, I shut down.

I thought that the contest, which I easily lost, was going to be a great way to get into shape. I was going to be eating healthy with my friends and we were all going to get into shape and work out together and "blah blah blah." All I could think about was losing and letting them down. This just made me want to sneak more food. "If I go to In n Out today, they won't know." And really Eli and Katie wouldn't have known if I didn't tell them (until they saw me getting fatter and fatter). I just couldn't handle the pressure, the deadline, the whole challenge. The closer the date came, the less I wanted to count calories and the less I actually did.

Taco Bell's delicious Mexican Pizza and In N Out were too much for this shaky lady and at the end of the day (and the contest) they were the real winners.

Don't get me wrong, I by no means consider myself a loser in all this. It did manage to help me realize one thing . . . I don't want to feel like my weight loss is connected to the success or failure of someone else. I can't want to do it because Eli is ready and is going to go at it. I clearly wasn't ready. I can't want to do it because Katie joins the challenge, although it did renew my vigor for a spell. I have to want to do it because I want to do it. And I do want to do it, but that isn't going to be enough this time.

I am going to have to learn that people have cravings. It happens. AND I have to let myself have them. If I want an In N Out cheeseburger who says I shouldn't? If I was eating nothing, but burgers from In N Out for every meal every single day we could have a conversation, but one every now and then isn't going to kill me and I should get off my own back when I give in.

This brings me to the second thing I have to learn: forgiveness. I need to learn that one cheeseburger isn't going to ruin my long term goals for weight loss and healthy eating. Sure it may mess up a week (hence the refusal to get on a scale), but a potato with too much salt can do that too. And if I plan a way to curb the craving it may not be as bad as I think.

Finally, I need to not think in terms of weight. I don't really want to "lose" weight per se . . . I want the weight to look better on me. I know that somewhere in there I am going to be losing something, but that shouldn't be my focus. This "lose lose lose" mentality that I have every time I challenge myself adds pressure to my goals and then I mess up all over again. This time it is going to be about measurements and how I feel. That is the true testament to being healthy.

So no more 60 day weight loss challenges! No more unrealistic long term goals! No more pressure to achieve right away!! Now is the time to make things better slowly!!

My first goal on my new path to eating better and getting moving: Get on a solid sleep cycle within 2 weeks. This will help me have the energy I need to get back to the gym.

As for today I think that so far I have done pretty well. I had a healthy cereal with non-fat milk and an orange for breakfast and snack. Ribs, mashed potatoes, and pasta for lunch which was perfectly portioned out by my good friend/roomie Stacy (which upon first glance did not look like enough food, but totally was) and a fiber one bar. I have a peach and a small 2 oz bag of chips on deck for a snack in case I get hungry before I get off of work.

I can't tell you how many calories I have consumed or burned today because I can't begin to care right now. All I do know is that I made a healthier decision just by bringing smaller portions and fruit instead of processed snacks (save the chips, but they're at least kettle cooked chips). Ultimately the one thing that I forget the most is the one thing I should always attempt to remember, "Nothing tastes as good as being fit and healthy feels."

For my Faithful Followers

It has been a long good while since I sat down to write anything. This is mostly due to the fact that I haven't really had anything to write about. I haven't been eating well. Exercise is a joke to me and I managed to gain all my weight back. Plus 1 pound. So to say that I have been embarrassed to admit this would be an understatement. I am disgusted with myself.

Mostly because I knew what I was doing and I didn't care. I also didn't try to stop it. It is just more par for the course. Stress, school, relationships, and added moving to the heap of stuff that drives me to eat and what did I do. I ate.

I could have gone to the gym and worked my aggressions out, but who are we kidding? Panda Express sounded way better than sweating. I don't know what is wrong with me that I cannot allow myself to be happy, but I am hoping that I can figure it out before I am no longer a spectator for the Biggest Loser, I'm a contestant.

Weekly Weigh-in Week 4

Ok, so I know that this is about 5 days too late, but I swear that I have been writing and re-writing this blog as each day goes by and for those of you who have wanted to read it . . . I guarantee that I have wanted to write it even more.

In weight-loss attempts in the past I've been known to be a dirty food liar, which is something that I always acknowledged in myself, but this past week another dieting revelation was revealed to me: I also lie to myself.

This week has been a rough one for me. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions that started with the weigh-in. This past week I maintained my weight. I know that I lost inches, however, because I had to cinch that belt just one loop tighter, but no actual pounds lost. I was happy to gain, but disappointed in what the scale said.

I went into full on pity party mode . . . I stopped cleaning the apartment, I stopped trying to get to bed at a decent hour, I stopped caring about the competition and what I ate, I stopped caring about school. I was ALL-IN!! Several times I said to myself, "Why even bother?" I cried A LOT!! Then to top it off, my cat fell ill. For which I also felt responsible for and with no money in the bank, I couldn't even fix with a trip to the vet.

I was virtually toast. I was exhausted, but not sleeping. I was laying like a sloth on the couch instead of doing homework, putting myself even further behind, I was lying to myself, desperate to convince myself that it wasn't worth eating healthy if I wasn't going to feel healthy or see results.

But who am I kidding, besides myself? I didn't exactly count my calories last week like I did the week I lost almost 4 lbs. Or this week even since I was too busy trying to convince myself that it wasn't something that I did wrong, I just wasn't meant to lose weight. I am destined to live unhealthy and unhappy.

Enter the Biggest Loser and fellow contestant Eli.

I was watching this Tuesday's episode and was literally lecturing (out loud) one of the contestant's about how far he had come. I was saying things to him that I wish I could say to myself. He cried, I cried, but in the end, the two of us (Mike and I) are in the same boat . . . we have problems, but we don't how to fix them.

This is where the conversation with Eli comes in. He says, "You know you're doing exactly what you want right?" Of course I do! I eat what I want, when I want (provided I have the money to do so) and sure I feel guilty about it later, but I can't help it. There I said it. I can't help myself. The easiest thing for a person to say is, "I'm not going to have fast food today," and then not have fast food that day. If I was that person, I wouldn't be here where I am. I would have lost more than 3.8 lbs in a month.

I've resigned myself to paying for the food day. In fact, sometimes, being in the competition makes me feel like giving up. I'll just pay for it and go back to eating the way that I have been and continue to be unhappy until I can find the drive to change the things I need to change. Or at least until I can figure out what the hell needs to change. All the external motivation isn't working on me and I am sad to say that I don't know what I need to do internally to change.

My separated twin Christi (ST) and I were talking today about the Biggest Loser today and how they always say that it isn't actually losing the weight that is hard. It isn't the physicality of the weight loss, it is all the mental crap that goes into it. So for now, since I don't feel that I am any closer to breaking the mental block than I was when I started on the road to a healthier me, I am going to have fake it. Dr. Phil told a lady on his show once that all she needed to do was "fake it 'til you make it." I am certainly going to fake it.

I am embarking on a new journey over the course of this competition. Friends of ours (Stacy and Rob) have graciously allowed for us to move in with them which is a huge financial break for us all. I am hoping that with a little extra money (and an extra fridge) that I will finally have the funds required to give my diet the attention that it needs. I also think that the stress that will be relieved by this arrangement is going to allow me the time to stop worrying about things I haven't been able to stop from piling up and to begin focusing on myself. Only time can tell from here.

Attitudes, Anger, and Appetite

I already knew that I was an emotional eater. I eat when I am sad, lonely, bored, and especially when I am happy. If I had a dime for every piece of food that I have put into my mouth because of some emotion that I had, I probably wouldn't care about the predicament that I currently find myself in. However, I am not rich and the bank is attempting to steal $25 of my money.

At first it was $50. I talked to the CSR on the phone and she told me she couldn't do anything for me and that I was going to have to talk to the branch manager. He was nice enough to tell me that I he would reverse one charge, "Against his better judgement?," but that he could not possibly reverse the other one. I worked in customer service practically my whole life, I KNOW that these charges can be reversed. They were NSF fees. They have no reasonable expectations to that money. They didn't know they were going to make $50 from me in a 24 hour period. All they knew is that they are jerks.

So I flat told him that he was a liar. He could possibly return that fee and that I needed to now talk to his manager. He transferred me to his manager who also told me that she couldn't reverse the fee either. After much arguing (and the tutoring center can attest that I was very convincing and surprisingly calm all things considered) she finally said, "Ma'am, you're right. I CAN return the fee, however, I am not going to." :O

I still did NOT lose my temper. I asked to talk to her manager. She gives me the number of the VP of operations for my bank, Edwards Federal Credit Union in case you were wondering, and I have left him a message, but like all good jerks, he didn't call me back before the close of business. I do not anticipate a phone call. I have given up hope that they will do the right thing and return my $25 that I still feel that they stole.

So what did I do? At first I was good. I counted calories. I ate what I was supposed to and I was good, but I was angry!! Being angry made me feel as though I had been left to fend myself for the last nine days. Unbeknownst to me, anger is another emotion that sends me to the fridge.

So here it is 10:44 pm and I pretty much took my day out in the three drinks I've had tonight (cranberry and malibu), nacho's, chips and guac, salsa, cheese, and Erin's delicious cream cheese dip. I didn't count. I actually won't be counting. I don't really know what I am going to do with today's events. Probably put a sad face in the book I log my food. Probably just pretend that it didn't happen. I haven't decided, but I know that whatever I do has to be coupled with a trip to the gym.

I feel like if I hadn't wussed out on the gym I wouldn't have needed to eat. I would have been pissed, gone to the gym, and worked out all my anger and instead I succumbed to the anger. I know that this whole thing is about attitudes. I need to find a better way to think about things. If it wasn't such a bad time to be out $25, I probably wouldn't have been so distraught, so now I've just realized that I need to change my attitude. I hope that ONE DAY I will be able to change it enough that my appetite will no longer be connected to each other.

Weekly Weigh in Week 3

I haven't blogged in DAYS and I must say that it is killing me. I think that I am beginning to crave blogging more than eating now. Which is a HUGE leap considering how much I love food, but it is very true.

So let's cut to the meat . . . Yesterday was a weigh-in day. Last Monday I weighed-in with no loss and no gain, but it was my birthday weekend and I didn't really count calories at all. To say I was a little disappointed would be an understatement. But I was renewed with vigor that day. Also by the fact that when I went to pick up my wedding dress it was a little tight.

I didn't mention that before because it made me a little sad and very embarrassed. I had a goal to get that beautiful dress altered, but I wanted it taken in. At the rate I was going I was going to have to have it exchanged for a heftier size. So this week I was determined to do better. Not to try to do better, but to just flat DO better.

So me and Eli worked it out that I was to eat about 1500 to 1800 calories a day. To me this seemed a little excessive and I thought I was in for a little sabotaging, but then I remembered that he is my friend first and competitor second, so I aimed for that goal. Monday I had 2230, but 830 of those was sushi so I didn't feel too bad. Tuesday I was at 1473. Wednesday was 1556. Thursday was 1446. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I didn't actually count. I was aware of what I was eating. I made smart decisions, but I didn't write anything down.

So how did the last three days effect my weigh-in? Well I stepped on the scale and . . . down 3.8. That is right folks!! I lost almost 4 lbs. The best part is that my back is still on the fritz so I haven't even been able to hit the gym yet and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to lose ANY weight. I had this fear that I was going to be stuck in this rut until I could really workout. Happy to see that this is not so. I can lose the weight, it will just be the toning that will be on hold for now.

So now that I know what I am capable of with and without the aid of the gym (which I am also actually craving) I think that I have a real shot in this competition and I think that my competitors should be very very afraid. :D

School, Stress, and Scarfing

I am here to firmly attest that these three things are not mutually exclusive. Especially for me. I am sure that there are those of you out there who can agree with this. You get stressed out and the first thing your mind thinks is, "Cheeeeesssseeeeburger!!!" This is often followed with some sort of fried food such as french fries, fried zucchini, curly fries, or waffle fries (my personal favorite). This duo of diet disruption isn't complete without a shake or soda. Sure this "relief" feels good in the moment, but as the pounds start to add up this choice doesn't seem so good.

Plus there are SOOOO many good excuses for eating fast food. (1) I work from 8am to 5pm and I go to school from 7:30m to 9:30pm. There simply isn't the TIME to make a healthy dinner. (2) I have an assignment due in a few hours that still needs to be finished (or almost always for me, starting AND finishing), so I don't have TIME to make a healthy dinner. (3) I only have an hour for lunch . . . what could I possibly find in an HOUR that is healthy? (4) I have so many OTHER things to do in the morning, I don't have the TIME to pack a healthy lunch.

There are probably far more excuses out there, these are just some of the bog ones that I tell myself. Luckily for me, towards the end of the month I run out of money and hitting the fast food joints, just isn't in the cards for me. Like today. I have .18 to my name until pay day. I am FORCED into eating food that is prepared at my house, but that doesn't alleviate the exhaustion I feel after having worked ALL day and gone to school for the better part of the night.

I don't mean to sound like I am whining about my life, but I am kinda whining about my attitude about my life. I have all these reasons for why I don't have the TIME to take care of myself, but if I don't start doing it I am never going to be truly happy. This doesn't mean that I am unhappy. I have a great job in a time where they are scarce, I have FANTABULOUS friends who support me no matter what I want to do, I have an amazing family who loves me and who are involved in my life, a wonderful Fiance who pretty much was made to be in my life from God himself, and am nearly finished with my Master's in English degree. There isn't a whole lot in there to be unhappy about. It is all about how I feel about myself.

I am proud of all the things therein that I have set my mind to do AND accomplished. I just wish that losing weight and staying fit was also included. Yes, I go to school. Yes, school is stressful. Yes, LIFE is stressful. I just don't know how I can get it into my head that all these outside forces do not equate to a need for food!! As I was watching Biggest Loser, hoping for a spark of inspiration, I saw a man who's brother had passed away. Instead of reaching for a cheeseburger, he reached for exercise. How easy would my life be if I could find myself in a stressful situation and think, "I really need to hit the gym" instead of "Ooo . . . Panda Express is right there!"

Weekly Weigh-in Week 2

Have you ever watched the Biggest Loser? The first two weeks on the ranch and the contestants usually lose about 30 lbs. Can I get in on that? I mean I only have about 34 lbs to lose at all and to do so in 3 weeks sounds like heaven. I could spend the rest of the competition maintaining. So bring it on Bob and Gillian. I am ready!!!!

Insert reality.

Today I am laid up in bed with severe back pain. My goal to hit the gym in the wee am morning was thwarted by a pain so bad that I am only comfortable when I am doused in icy/hot and laying completely still. I'd like to have some cool story about how it ended up hurt, but it likely happened while I was cleaning the apartment yesterday. So boring.

All my goals have not been completely cast aside today. I hobbled my way to the scale only to find that I had maintained for a week. No loss, no gain. I suppose that I should be happy that I didn't gain anything. That means that while I wasn't exactly counting calories, I did manage to keep my portions under control. And let's not forget that it was my birthday weekend and I consumed A LOT of alcohol over three days. No gain is almost too fantastical an occurrence to believe. Yet it . . . just . . . happened!! Is your mind blown?

So today I am already breakfast and a snack into the day at 470 calories. Hopefully after a muscle relaxer induced coma I will be able to get out of the apartment for a walk. I am not naive enough to assume that I could make a full recovery and hit the gym as I had hoped, but a nice walk in the fresh air is better than laying like a slug all day in bed. Any calories burned are better than calories converted to fat.

Birthdays, Babies and Body-Building

Yesterday I turned 29 years old. I like to joke around with people that I am going to celebrate my fourth-annual 25th birthday, but here is my dirty little secret . . . I am actually not terribly upset to be so close to 30. Don't get me wrong, there are so many things that I expected to have done by now. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I expected that by the time I was 30 I would have been married for 5 or 6 years and have one or two children.

I've luckily not married any of the men I once thought I wanted to. That would have only amounted to three divorces. What's better is not having had children with any of them either. I would rather crawl through broken glass and swim through a salt water pool than have anything that ties me to any of those three men. (I know what you're thinking; I wish I was more honest and open with my feelings too.)

So here I am 1 year and 1 month from my wedding day. That's right folks, I'll be 30 before I'll have had my first marriage, but it is going to be with the man that I love and truly can't wait to spend my life with. He is bringing into my life a child of eight, almost nine. So I am nearly there to the life goals that I set for myself so many years ago. But that doesn't stop that biological clock from ticking.

Tick I want a baby. Tock You're getting older, time for a baby. Tick You're almost 30 and no baby. Tock BABY! BABY! BABY!

So my good friend Megan says to me, "We can get our bodies into shape so that they are ready when we get pregnant!" . . . GENIUS!!! If I am already 45.13% body fat AND I am adding baby weight . . . I don't foresee that going over very well. Especially since, and let's all be honest, I will be one of those girls, "But I am eating for TWO!" We all know that, yes, technically pregnant women are sustaining two lives, but that isn't an excuse to eat chili cheese fry pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. IN FACT, I am well aware that it is the perfect time to eat even healthier to ensure the wellness of both mommy and child. My concern, however, is that if I can't even control my eating now when only my health is on the line . . . how will I ever be able to do it then?

Let's not pretend that I have been to the gym once since I posted this blog. It was intended for me and Eli to hit the gym this morning for some 6am CKMBM time at the gym, but like a lameo, I didn't get enough sleep last night and I just wasn't down to get up that early (sorry buddy). I am also supposed to go walking after work and before class with Katie, but that isn't going to happen either. Not just because of lack of sleep, but also because I don't know how serious I am taking this first week because of my birthday. Between nachos and chips & guac last night and the country scramble for breakfast (of which I didn't eat all of yet), I know that I SHOULD be working out, but I just flat am not going to. Period.

This doesn't mean that I am not serious about the competition that I am entered into with Katie and Eli, it just means that I am not serious about it yesterday and today. It is my birthday, and while I know that it is yet another excuse in the long list of excuses that has led to my weight gain, it still isn't enough to guilt myself into doing anything. I'd much rather have my fun and then forget all about it come Friday morning. Of course on Friday morning will be my blog about how disgusting and guilty I feel about not having cared these last two days, but we'll write that blog when we come to it.

Weekly Weigh-in Week 1

Between a mini-vacay to Catalina island and a hectic work schedule I am finally able to pull a few minutes together to blog. I have been going through serious blog withdrawls. I wanted to post all weekend, but I didn't bring my laptop (lest I be tempted to do homework) and the internet wasn't all that great besides.

I wish I could say that I was a good girl this weekend. I'd be lying if I said that calories were on my mind the WHOLE time. I did have glimmers of my goal, but that was mostly the first night as I had to take off my dress to reveal myself in my bathing suit. I promptly entered the spa and remained there until most of the people had left. It was then that I was comfortable enough to leave the safety of the spa for the pool (which may claim it was heated, but I felt like Clark Griswold for a minute).

Did any of this stop me from having pizza? Nope. Battered fish and chips? Nope. Cheese loaded omelet's? Nope. I ate what I want!!! We did do A LOT of walking, don't get me wrong there. I was thoroughly embarrassed at the ease with which I was winded climbing stairs on our Ghost Tour. I felt like, what I imagine the Biggest Loser's contestants look like their first week on campus. I felt a tightening in my chest and I even started sweating . . . I mean glistening . . . a little. This from a girl who not 3 months ago could go 45 minutes on the CKMB machine at 24 hour fitness. That girl is really disappointed in this girl I've become.

So how do I get back to that hot little tamale? Insert Body fat percentage. I am technically obese. Not severely, but once one hears the word obese it changes things a little. All those (S)In-N-Out burgers and miscellaneous other junk foods that sounded so good a week ago are starting to feel heavy on my limbs. I can actually feel the 45.13% of fat that is hanging on my body like someone suddenly attached invisible weights to my body. BUT, the important part is that it isn't going to weigh down my spirits.

Last Monday I weighed in at 169.8 and this Monday I weighed in at . . . drumroll please . . . 169.6!!!! Yay!!! I lost .2 lbs!!! Ok, so I am definitely not going to break any Biggest Loser records with that, and I may as well not have lost anything at all, but even a .2 loss is a loss. I didn't gain any more weight and I have 2 ounces less fat on my body. I doubt that it changed my BFP any, but I still have about 11 weeks to come back and kick Eli and Kate ( a newcomer to our weight loss challenge) butts!!! There may always be another hill to climb tomorrow, but at least at some point it'll be easier to get to the top!

Cravings,Co-Workers, and Calories

Today I slept in, again. I wasn't dying of some unknown malady, I didn't stay up late reading for class (although I should have), nor was I cleaning out the tivo with a SVU marathon so I don't have a good excuse for sleeping in. I was OUT by 10:30 pm at the latest and I could have easily been up and at the gym, but I just flat didn't. When the alarm went off this morning I simply hit snooze, snooze, snooze, for about 3 hours (sorry Chris).

I finally rolled myself out of bed and got ready for my day at about 7:15 am (again needing to be at work by 8). Once out of bed I realized three things: (1) I wasn't going to be washing my hair, or showering, (2) I didn't have enough time to make breakfast, but I was hungry, and (3) I was in some serious fibromyalgia pain. Of course my spirits were already lifted. I had myself convinced, for about an hour, that I didn't wake up and run off to the gym because I was already so sore from the fibro. I get to work ready to tell my co-workers all about my pain and how I couldn't go to the gym today because of it, but when I got there I suddenly thought, "Why do I need an excuse?" Is someone going to have me arrested because I didn't go to the gym today? "But officer, but I have an alibi!! I have fibromyalgia!!" So I didn't say anything except, "I'm ordering breakfast from Scrambelz. You guys want?"

Two things about my co-workers . . . First, they aren't just people I work with. They're all really good friends of mine. They've been with me through a lot and we hang out even on our days off. Secondly, we all LOVE food. As such, we're kinda a bad influence on each other, with me being the worst!! I think deep down I want them to cheat with me so that I don't feel so bad about myself. "See!! They're having (fill in your fave junk food here) too!! I'm not alone!!" Not that I want to sabotage them either. I want all of them to meet the healthy lifestyle goals that they set out for themselves. I want it just as much for them as I do myself, but here is where it is hard.

We are all friends and this environment is judge free. It is sooooo easy to cheat on a diet when you are among those you love. Especially when you have a fiance who tells you everyday that you are already "smokin hot" (his words, not mine). So I feel safe having eaten nachos from El Pollo Loco for lunch yesterday, and an Asiago bagel with (low fat) cream cheese from Starbucks for dinner last night. I feel even more comfortable for having ordered a "country scramble" for breakfast because I was craving biscuits and gravy. Of course I could have ordered just biscuits and gravy and forgone the two sausage patties and omelet portioned eggs that were also atop my biscuits and smothered in gravy. Not to mention the hashbrowns, sourdough toast, and the side of avocado I also ordered.

Fret not my faithful followers, I did not eat the whole thing. I had about 1 1/4 biscuit, 1/2 of one sausage, barely any eggs, 1 piece of toast, all the hashbrowns, and 1/2 the avocado. In hindsight, the biscuits and gravy would have been enough.

So lunch time rolls around and I am craving those nachos that I tried for the first time yesterday at El Pollo Loco. My friend Eli stops by and we have a conversation about what I should eat vs what I will probably go eat. They are, of course, not the same. Remember that me and Eli are in a competition. One that started on Monday. One that I am miserably behind in. I am not naive enough to say it is through the fault of anyone but myself. I would like to say that I would prefer that those who love me stop me before I cheat by saying something like, "Hey you fat cow!! Do you really need nachos?," but let's all be honest, I'd cry. I can say those things to myself, and I do, but guess what? It isn't going to, nor has it yet, be helpful.

So how am I going to negate cravings, and unwanted extra calories, without a severe, tear-inducing tongue lashing? I don't know. I suppose if I did know, I wouldn't be nearly 40 lbs overweight. I will tell you this much: today I had a delicious Asian Sesame Chicken salad for lunch. No cheese, no wantons, dressing on the side. You can say it was a little bit of shame mixed with self pride, but maybe that will be what works.

I had my heart set on those nachos. Look at them . . . mmmm . . . even now I want them and I'm full of salad and two bites of chocolate cake (which if you know me, you know is a miracle that I stopped at two). But here is what happened. I made mention of heading off to EPL for delicious nachos and Eli (with such disappointment all over his face) says, "I'm in this alone aren't I?"
Alone? In an instant this word reverberated in my mind like a microphone too close to an amplifier. It pained me to hear that Eli felt, for even one second, that he was alone in anything and to make matters worse . . . I was the one who had, for all intents and purposes, abandoned him.

No Eli, you are not alone. I am in this. I do want to change my lifestyle, again, and hopefully forever. But, I am going to stumble and fall. I promise you that I will disappoint you, as much as you can be disappointed in me, and it will be disappointing to me too. I also promise, however, that I will get back up. I will dust the crumbs off my lap and take a walk. I will get up some mornings and hit the gym. I will wake up every morning with the intentions of watching my calories and eating healthy. And I know that I am not alone either. I have my friends, my family, and now my followers. And even when we do feel like we're alone, at least we're all together in that too. (P.S. I Love You's words, not mine).

Grandiose Gym Goals

After class last night (9:30ish pm) I decided that I was going to go home, go to bed, wake up at 4:30 am, eat, and be at the gym by 5 am. This, of course, did no happen. I didn't actually go to bed until about 2 am and waking up in two and half hours to eat and workout was the furthest thing from my mind. I am surprised I got up at 7 am to shower. In fact, had it not been for the fact that I hadn't washed my hair yesterday morning either (in an effort to sleep in later) I wouldn't have. But it was starting to look a little like a cross between the capsizing of an oil tanker and dreadlocks. So I dragged myself out of bed a little after 7 am (I work at 8) and started my day already wanting to drive-thru a fast food joint.

One thing that my closest friends know about me is that I am always dying. I have blood clots, toxic shock syndrome, amebic dysentery, the black plague, pretty much anything the internet tells me my symptoms could be. Sometimes it is almost comical the things my mind convinces me I have. I was watching a show on the Learning Channel and I was SURE I had malaria. After all the symptoms include: fever, chills, sweating, headache, body ache, nausea and/or vomiting, and fatigue. I was totally tired, my head was hurting, and so were my low back and shoulders. Never mind that it was 2 am and I do (really, honestly) have Fibromyalgia. I ache ALL the time, but in the moment I was dying with Malaria.

Coupled with hypochondria is my intense fear of dying. It isn't quite debilitating, as I still do things that could kill me, i.e. flying and zip-lines, but I can't say that I am happy about them (until after). These fears of mine lead to panic attacks that are not fun. They feel like ice water has been injected into my veins, my chest begins to tighten and it feels like, what I can only imagine, a heart attack feels like. I get dizzy and am 100% sure that if I attempt to fall asleep I will die. At this point my throat becomes dry and it is hard to swallow. Of course the only reasonable response is to assume that my throat is closing. If only you all knew how many times I was close to dialing 9-1-1 in these situations.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with the gym? Last night I had it in my head, no pun intended, that I have an aneurysm. My best friends husband is a nurse and he was talking about an operation a young girl had on one and he told me the symptoms, which of course I have, and last night I was convinced if I fell asleep, mine would burst and I wouldn't wake up. I forced myself to stay awake until I literally passed out and when the alarm went off this morning to wake me for my workout . . . I promptly told it to shut up and went back to sleep for another three hours.

As I was about to leave for work I had a flash of genius; grab your gym clothes and workout during your lunch break!! Who was I trying to kid? Waste the time I could be eating by burning fat!!!? I could go after work, but then I would be smelly for class. I can't go after class because it would be too late. I genuinely want to go to the gym today, but I just cant. You can all see that right? Riiiiggghhttt!

Ok, so really the only (semi) legitimate excuse was for this morning. I would have been no benefit to me to have worked out and been exhausted all day. This would have just led to being extra sore tomorrow due to the fibromyalgia which in turn would mean no gym tomorrow for sure. (Cause I'm sure I'll get up and be there at 5 am anyways.)

If, I've learned nothing else in my 28 years of dieting, I've learned this: You have to want it to do it. It isn't that I don't want it. I lost 10 lbs in January and I can easily do that again. I just see a wall in front of me right now. A wall that I know I created myself. It looks rather high, but I know that all I need is a little boost and I can scale it, but I am not quite sure what that boost is going to be. It certainly wasn't watching people drop weight on Biggest Loser last night. Perhaps I can find it at Del Taco . . . it is lunch time . . .

Disasters, Disappointments, & Disgust

Yesterday was Day 1 of the new healthy me. Of course it was one of the WORST possible days to attempt healthy eating. The night before my mom called to tell me that my grandpa couldn't breathe and was being taken to the hospital, again. See about 4 months ago Papa, as I like to call him, was winning big on a poker table at State Line. When you're on a winning streak, like he was, who has time to pay attention to the chest pains and numbing of his left arm? Almost 12 hours later Papa was in surgery having a major quadruple bypass surgery. He's been on oxygen ever since and Sunday night he can't breathe and is heading to the hospital.

I woke up yesterday to a text from my mom saying, "Gpa has congestive heart failure. They're going to remove the fluid from around his heart. Pray it doesn't come back."

A little history: at one point in my life I had three grandfathers and two grandmothers, but they have been slowly leaving this world. Two of my grandfathers were taken by the same thing that is currently threatening Papa. Needless to say having oatmeal for breakfast wasn't exactly a priority. In fact, all I really wanted was a greasy cheeseburger and french fries to make the pain go away.

In the long run, it isn't really going to ease any of my suffering. If I gain another pound, all I am going to do is feel like crap, be disappointed in myself, and ultimately hate myself even more than I already do. So I sucked it up and had a bowl of Special K cereal instead, 250 calories. I felt proud of myself for handling the stress and headed off to work in good spirits.

Once there, however, all hell broke loose. I was faced with the realization that I did NOTHING the entire weekend by way of homework because I had forgotten the books I needed to read. Now I'm behind like I am every quarter and that cheeseburger sounds like heaven. I went to Jamba Juice instead and had a Mango Mantra light, another 250 calories. Not too bad, but I had to drive by a Burger King, a Carl's Jr, a KFC, a McDonald's, and a Primo Burger's to get there. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about stopping at every single one of them. I settled on the Jamba Juice and a $0.99 bag of Salt & Vinegar lays (160 calories) and some sunflower seeds (calories unknown).

I had a delicious vegetable and turkey salad with a vinaigrette dressing (140 calories) for lunch with a blueberry-pomegranate gatorade (80 calories). Not to shabby for a day that was filled with temptation and a STRONG desire to eat unhealthily . . . until dinner.

Although it is believed to have been started by a strong Christian family, and Bible verses can be found on the bottom of every cup, In-N-Out is the work of the devil. They are delicious and addictive and they make all the stress melt just like the cheese on their burgers and I had one last night for dinner. It was, just as I had suspected, a stress reliever. With each bite I could feel the events of the day disappearing like the burger in my hands. Once I was finished, however, I was right again. I was so disappointed in myself. Not just disappointed, but disgusted with myself for giving into something that I knew was only a temporary release. But did that stop me from eating a hot dog at the ballgame about an hour later? NOPE!!! Did it stop me from eating a Carl's Jr breakfast burger combo this morning on the way to work? NOPE!!!

So what is different this time? Aren't I doing what I always do? Cheating on my own diet? No, because today I blogged about what I ate. Today I stand up and admit my food indiscretions. My name is Kristal Metzger and I am a foodaholic. So if you see me out feel free to smack that cheeseburger out of my hands.

Sushi, Starbucks, & (S)In-N-Out

Certainly anyone living in the southwest can attest to the deliciousness of In-N-Out. It is addictive, but ultra fattening and I had some today. Along with the new Dark Cherry Mocha from Starbucks and sushi. Not the healthy sashimi sushi, but the fattening delicious spicy mayonnaise filled sushi. Isn't it sad that all the foods that taste the best are the worst for you?

I originally started this blog in the hopes that it would be cathartic during a breakup AND simultaneously launch me into notoriety. I hoped that someone would read my brilliant insights, option them to into a book/movie deal (a la Sex in the City) and then I would be rich!!! I'd be free to go to school without the annoyance of a job and I could focus more time to blogging.

Then I met the man who would become my Fiance and my angst, not to mention motivation, towards my scathing blog was gone (thanks Honey!).

Blogging was then resurrected after I saw Julie & Julia. A fire was lit to blog about the hardships and horrors associated with a full-time Graduate schedule, a full-time job, and planning a wedding. Unfortunately we gave ourselves a year and things have been going pretty swimmingly planning the wedding and we have more than half of the decisions made. In fact, I should have been blogging about my evil, reading Nazi teacher who gave me a B+, but I was too busy trying to read everything to actually write. Now I am drawn to the keyboard for a different reason. Myself.

As of today I stand 5'3", 169.8 lbs. My ma

in measurements are 42 1/4, 39 3/4, 43 1/4.

Here I am in the first bikini that I ever bought. I bought this when I was 10 lbs lighter and I feel as though I looked much better in it than I do today.

When I look at this picture, as I type this blog, and I realize what I am doing here, I become extremely nervous. Those who know me may be shocked to find out that I am actually extremely insecure.

The fact this photo is even on this blog is completely out of my character because of how I feel when I look at it. I see FAT. I don't see the funny, outgoing, smart girl that I am. I see a girl who is a prisoner in her own body because I do feel trapped. I want to be one of those people who say, "I don't care what people think of me, but I do." When I order food at restaurants, I feel like other people are thinking, "she probably shouldn't be eating that." I feel like people can tell that my pants are too tight, or that they can see my muffin top.

The worst is trying on clothes. Shopping isn't therapeutic for me. It is a depressing, anxiety filled activity that inevitably ends with me in tears. It doesn't help that the last time I was doing so, I tried on a top that, admittedly didn't flatter me at all, and a lady asked me how far along I was. She even rubbed my stomach!!! I wanted to vomit and I cried the whole way back to my apartment, but then what? I convinced my Fiance to stop at Del Taco.

Here is the problem: I am unhappy with my weight, but I solve my unhappiness with food. Actually I solve everything with food. In fact, I may or may not have eaten my leftover Hawaiian BBQ on the way from Fiance's to my apartment. It was partly because I was hungry, but mostly because I was terrified about embarking on this journey. If I am bored, I eat. Tired, I eat. Sad, I eat. Frustrated, I eat.

I've tried every fad diet ever created from the Hollywood Diet to Atkins to Slimfast to Weight Watchers. I've lost weight, felt great then relapsed. Lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, gain. January 2010, I went from 169 to 159 and here it is April 2010 and I am again 169!! I used to wonder how it happened. Where things went wrong. How I allowed myself to fall into the same old patterns.

My friend Eli and I are about to have a contest, Biggest Loser style. Which one of us can lose the highest percentage of body fat in 90 days. Nothing has been settled yet as to what the winner wins (other than a better selg body image), but as I set out on this contest I wonder what makes this next 90 days different than the past 15 years worth of weight gain and loss and the answer is clear . . . this blog.

Here is my dirty little secret: I am a hider. "Did you eat well today?" "Yes, I had oatmeal, grapes, a sandwich, carrots and fat free ranch, and salmon for dinner." Sure, I failed to mention the twix bar I extracted from the vending machine, the girl scout cookies, and probably a half a bag of chips (sorry Fiance). After all wasn't most of the day eating well? Even this post title leaves out the French Toast I had also today (although that had more to do with alliteration than trying to hide food).

I decided that when I did it this time it WAS going to be different. That I was going to be different. I apologize to those of you who have fallen prey to my hiding, but now it's out. Say something out loud to yourself, you can pretend it never happened. Say something out loud to a friend or loved one, you can ask them to pretend it never happened. Say something out loud to the world, you have accountability. Now people know.

So here we go. A clean attempt at exercise and weight loss. I'm ready to be happy with myself although most of those who know me probably never knew I wasn't. I'm finally ready to live a life that includes the life I try to lead. Hopefully this blog will help me with that. I promise that not all posts will be as long as this one, but they will most certainly be as honest.