Rhapsodizing for Rosemary

For those of my followers who have been wondering what happened to me: No, I did not fall of the face of the earth. The earth is round and this isn't possible. Quite frankly I am disappointed in all of you for believing this to be possible in the first place, but this is the AV and the Flat Earth society does have a large following here so I shouldn't be surprised.

So since gravity and a round earth are still in full effect . . . where have I been? Well . . . I've been in limbo.

So the ten pounds that I lost earlier on in this blog are back and bastards that they are, they brought friends. I can't even begin to tell you how many friends because I refuse to step on the scale right now. I don't think it is good for me. I've been thinking more and more about what causes me to take these relapses before I've even really gotten started: Pressure!

Queen had it right way back in 81 when they said, "Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure." It is a killer. And while some people thrive and do their best work under it, I shut down.

I thought that the contest, which I easily lost, was going to be a great way to get into shape. I was going to be eating healthy with my friends and we were all going to get into shape and work out together and "blah blah blah." All I could think about was losing and letting them down. This just made me want to sneak more food. "If I go to In n Out today, they won't know." And really Eli and Katie wouldn't have known if I didn't tell them (until they saw me getting fatter and fatter). I just couldn't handle the pressure, the deadline, the whole challenge. The closer the date came, the less I wanted to count calories and the less I actually did.

Taco Bell's delicious Mexican Pizza and In N Out were too much for this shaky lady and at the end of the day (and the contest) they were the real winners.

Don't get me wrong, I by no means consider myself a loser in all this. It did manage to help me realize one thing . . . I don't want to feel like my weight loss is connected to the success or failure of someone else. I can't want to do it because Eli is ready and is going to go at it. I clearly wasn't ready. I can't want to do it because Katie joins the challenge, although it did renew my vigor for a spell. I have to want to do it because I want to do it. And I do want to do it, but that isn't going to be enough this time.

I am going to have to learn that people have cravings. It happens. AND I have to let myself have them. If I want an In N Out cheeseburger who says I shouldn't? If I was eating nothing, but burgers from In N Out for every meal every single day we could have a conversation, but one every now and then isn't going to kill me and I should get off my own back when I give in.

This brings me to the second thing I have to learn: forgiveness. I need to learn that one cheeseburger isn't going to ruin my long term goals for weight loss and healthy eating. Sure it may mess up a week (hence the refusal to get on a scale), but a potato with too much salt can do that too. And if I plan a way to curb the craving it may not be as bad as I think.

Finally, I need to not think in terms of weight. I don't really want to "lose" weight per se . . . I want the weight to look better on me. I know that somewhere in there I am going to be losing something, but that shouldn't be my focus. This "lose lose lose" mentality that I have every time I challenge myself adds pressure to my goals and then I mess up all over again. This time it is going to be about measurements and how I feel. That is the true testament to being healthy.

So no more 60 day weight loss challenges! No more unrealistic long term goals! No more pressure to achieve right away!! Now is the time to make things better slowly!!

My first goal on my new path to eating better and getting moving: Get on a solid sleep cycle within 2 weeks. This will help me have the energy I need to get back to the gym.

As for today I think that so far I have done pretty well. I had a healthy cereal with non-fat milk and an orange for breakfast and snack. Ribs, mashed potatoes, and pasta for lunch which was perfectly portioned out by my good friend/roomie Stacy (which upon first glance did not look like enough food, but totally was) and a fiber one bar. I have a peach and a small 2 oz bag of chips on deck for a snack in case I get hungry before I get off of work.

I can't tell you how many calories I have consumed or burned today because I can't begin to care right now. All I do know is that I made a healthier decision just by bringing smaller portions and fruit instead of processed snacks (save the chips, but they're at least kettle cooked chips). Ultimately the one thing that I forget the most is the one thing I should always attempt to remember, "Nothing tastes as good as being fit and healthy feels."