School, Stress, and Scarfing

I am here to firmly attest that these three things are not mutually exclusive. Especially for me. I am sure that there are those of you out there who can agree with this. You get stressed out and the first thing your mind thinks is, "Cheeeeesssseeeeburger!!!" This is often followed with some sort of fried food such as french fries, fried zucchini, curly fries, or waffle fries (my personal favorite). This duo of diet disruption isn't complete without a shake or soda. Sure this "relief" feels good in the moment, but as the pounds start to add up this choice doesn't seem so good.

Plus there are SOOOO many good excuses for eating fast food. (1) I work from 8am to 5pm and I go to school from 7:30m to 9:30pm. There simply isn't the TIME to make a healthy dinner. (2) I have an assignment due in a few hours that still needs to be finished (or almost always for me, starting AND finishing), so I don't have TIME to make a healthy dinner. (3) I only have an hour for lunch . . . what could I possibly find in an HOUR that is healthy? (4) I have so many OTHER things to do in the morning, I don't have the TIME to pack a healthy lunch.

There are probably far more excuses out there, these are just some of the bog ones that I tell myself. Luckily for me, towards the end of the month I run out of money and hitting the fast food joints, just isn't in the cards for me. Like today. I have .18 to my name until pay day. I am FORCED into eating food that is prepared at my house, but that doesn't alleviate the exhaustion I feel after having worked ALL day and gone to school for the better part of the night.

I don't mean to sound like I am whining about my life, but I am kinda whining about my attitude about my life. I have all these reasons for why I don't have the TIME to take care of myself, but if I don't start doing it I am never going to be truly happy. This doesn't mean that I am unhappy. I have a great job in a time where they are scarce, I have FANTABULOUS friends who support me no matter what I want to do, I have an amazing family who loves me and who are involved in my life, a wonderful Fiance who pretty much was made to be in my life from God himself, and am nearly finished with my Master's in English degree. There isn't a whole lot in there to be unhappy about. It is all about how I feel about myself.

I am proud of all the things therein that I have set my mind to do AND accomplished. I just wish that losing weight and staying fit was also included. Yes, I go to school. Yes, school is stressful. Yes, LIFE is stressful. I just don't know how I can get it into my head that all these outside forces do not equate to a need for food!! As I was watching Biggest Loser, hoping for a spark of inspiration, I saw a man who's brother had passed away. Instead of reaching for a cheeseburger, he reached for exercise. How easy would my life be if I could find myself in a stressful situation and think, "I really need to hit the gym" instead of "Ooo . . . Panda Express is right there!"

Weekly Weigh-in Week 2

Have you ever watched the Biggest Loser? The first two weeks on the ranch and the contestants usually lose about 30 lbs. Can I get in on that? I mean I only have about 34 lbs to lose at all and to do so in 3 weeks sounds like heaven. I could spend the rest of the competition maintaining. So bring it on Bob and Gillian. I am ready!!!!

Insert reality.

Today I am laid up in bed with severe back pain. My goal to hit the gym in the wee am morning was thwarted by a pain so bad that I am only comfortable when I am doused in icy/hot and laying completely still. I'd like to have some cool story about how it ended up hurt, but it likely happened while I was cleaning the apartment yesterday. So boring.

All my goals have not been completely cast aside today. I hobbled my way to the scale only to find that I had maintained for a week. No loss, no gain. I suppose that I should be happy that I didn't gain anything. That means that while I wasn't exactly counting calories, I did manage to keep my portions under control. And let's not forget that it was my birthday weekend and I consumed A LOT of alcohol over three days. No gain is almost too fantastical an occurrence to believe. Yet it . . . just . . . happened!! Is your mind blown?

So today I am already breakfast and a snack into the day at 470 calories. Hopefully after a muscle relaxer induced coma I will be able to get out of the apartment for a walk. I am not naive enough to assume that I could make a full recovery and hit the gym as I had hoped, but a nice walk in the fresh air is better than laying like a slug all day in bed. Any calories burned are better than calories converted to fat.

Birthdays, Babies and Body-Building

Yesterday I turned 29 years old. I like to joke around with people that I am going to celebrate my fourth-annual 25th birthday, but here is my dirty little secret . . . I am actually not terribly upset to be so close to 30. Don't get me wrong, there are so many things that I expected to have done by now. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I expected that by the time I was 30 I would have been married for 5 or 6 years and have one or two children.

I've luckily not married any of the men I once thought I wanted to. That would have only amounted to three divorces. What's better is not having had children with any of them either. I would rather crawl through broken glass and swim through a salt water pool than have anything that ties me to any of those three men. (I know what you're thinking; I wish I was more honest and open with my feelings too.)

So here I am 1 year and 1 month from my wedding day. That's right folks, I'll be 30 before I'll have had my first marriage, but it is going to be with the man that I love and truly can't wait to spend my life with. He is bringing into my life a child of eight, almost nine. So I am nearly there to the life goals that I set for myself so many years ago. But that doesn't stop that biological clock from ticking.

Tick I want a baby. Tock You're getting older, time for a baby. Tick You're almost 30 and no baby. Tock BABY! BABY! BABY!

So my good friend Megan says to me, "We can get our bodies into shape so that they are ready when we get pregnant!" . . . GENIUS!!! If I am already 45.13% body fat AND I am adding baby weight . . . I don't foresee that going over very well. Especially since, and let's all be honest, I will be one of those girls, "But I am eating for TWO!" We all know that, yes, technically pregnant women are sustaining two lives, but that isn't an excuse to eat chili cheese fry pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. IN FACT, I am well aware that it is the perfect time to eat even healthier to ensure the wellness of both mommy and child. My concern, however, is that if I can't even control my eating now when only my health is on the line . . . how will I ever be able to do it then?

Let's not pretend that I have been to the gym once since I posted this blog. It was intended for me and Eli to hit the gym this morning for some 6am CKMBM time at the gym, but like a lameo, I didn't get enough sleep last night and I just wasn't down to get up that early (sorry buddy). I am also supposed to go walking after work and before class with Katie, but that isn't going to happen either. Not just because of lack of sleep, but also because I don't know how serious I am taking this first week because of my birthday. Between nachos and chips & guac last night and the country scramble for breakfast (of which I didn't eat all of yet), I know that I SHOULD be working out, but I just flat am not going to. Period.

This doesn't mean that I am not serious about the competition that I am entered into with Katie and Eli, it just means that I am not serious about it yesterday and today. It is my birthday, and while I know that it is yet another excuse in the long list of excuses that has led to my weight gain, it still isn't enough to guilt myself into doing anything. I'd much rather have my fun and then forget all about it come Friday morning. Of course on Friday morning will be my blog about how disgusting and guilty I feel about not having cared these last two days, but we'll write that blog when we come to it.

Weekly Weigh-in Week 1

Between a mini-vacay to Catalina island and a hectic work schedule I am finally able to pull a few minutes together to blog. I have been going through serious blog withdrawls. I wanted to post all weekend, but I didn't bring my laptop (lest I be tempted to do homework) and the internet wasn't all that great besides.

I wish I could say that I was a good girl this weekend. I'd be lying if I said that calories were on my mind the WHOLE time. I did have glimmers of my goal, but that was mostly the first night as I had to take off my dress to reveal myself in my bathing suit. I promptly entered the spa and remained there until most of the people had left. It was then that I was comfortable enough to leave the safety of the spa for the pool (which may claim it was heated, but I felt like Clark Griswold for a minute).

Did any of this stop me from having pizza? Nope. Battered fish and chips? Nope. Cheese loaded omelet's? Nope. I ate what I want!!! We did do A LOT of walking, don't get me wrong there. I was thoroughly embarrassed at the ease with which I was winded climbing stairs on our Ghost Tour. I felt like, what I imagine the Biggest Loser's contestants look like their first week on campus. I felt a tightening in my chest and I even started sweating . . . I mean glistening . . . a little. This from a girl who not 3 months ago could go 45 minutes on the CKMB machine at 24 hour fitness. That girl is really disappointed in this girl I've become.

So how do I get back to that hot little tamale? Insert Body fat percentage. I am technically obese. Not severely, but once one hears the word obese it changes things a little. All those (S)In-N-Out burgers and miscellaneous other junk foods that sounded so good a week ago are starting to feel heavy on my limbs. I can actually feel the 45.13% of fat that is hanging on my body like someone suddenly attached invisible weights to my body. BUT, the important part is that it isn't going to weigh down my spirits.

Last Monday I weighed in at 169.8 and this Monday I weighed in at . . . drumroll please . . . 169.6!!!! Yay!!! I lost .2 lbs!!! Ok, so I am definitely not going to break any Biggest Loser records with that, and I may as well not have lost anything at all, but even a .2 loss is a loss. I didn't gain any more weight and I have 2 ounces less fat on my body. I doubt that it changed my BFP any, but I still have about 11 weeks to come back and kick Eli and Kate ( a newcomer to our weight loss challenge) butts!!! There may always be another hill to climb tomorrow, but at least at some point it'll be easier to get to the top!

Cravings,Co-Workers, and Calories

Today I slept in, again. I wasn't dying of some unknown malady, I didn't stay up late reading for class (although I should have), nor was I cleaning out the tivo with a SVU marathon so I don't have a good excuse for sleeping in. I was OUT by 10:30 pm at the latest and I could have easily been up and at the gym, but I just flat didn't. When the alarm went off this morning I simply hit snooze, snooze, snooze, for about 3 hours (sorry Chris).

I finally rolled myself out of bed and got ready for my day at about 7:15 am (again needing to be at work by 8). Once out of bed I realized three things: (1) I wasn't going to be washing my hair, or showering, (2) I didn't have enough time to make breakfast, but I was hungry, and (3) I was in some serious fibromyalgia pain. Of course my spirits were already lifted. I had myself convinced, for about an hour, that I didn't wake up and run off to the gym because I was already so sore from the fibro. I get to work ready to tell my co-workers all about my pain and how I couldn't go to the gym today because of it, but when I got there I suddenly thought, "Why do I need an excuse?" Is someone going to have me arrested because I didn't go to the gym today? "But officer, but I have an alibi!! I have fibromyalgia!!" So I didn't say anything except, "I'm ordering breakfast from Scrambelz. You guys want?"

Two things about my co-workers . . . First, they aren't just people I work with. They're all really good friends of mine. They've been with me through a lot and we hang out even on our days off. Secondly, we all LOVE food. As such, we're kinda a bad influence on each other, with me being the worst!! I think deep down I want them to cheat with me so that I don't feel so bad about myself. "See!! They're having (fill in your fave junk food here) too!! I'm not alone!!" Not that I want to sabotage them either. I want all of them to meet the healthy lifestyle goals that they set out for themselves. I want it just as much for them as I do myself, but here is where it is hard.

We are all friends and this environment is judge free. It is sooooo easy to cheat on a diet when you are among those you love. Especially when you have a fiance who tells you everyday that you are already "smokin hot" (his words, not mine). So I feel safe having eaten nachos from El Pollo Loco for lunch yesterday, and an Asiago bagel with (low fat) cream cheese from Starbucks for dinner last night. I feel even more comfortable for having ordered a "country scramble" for breakfast because I was craving biscuits and gravy. Of course I could have ordered just biscuits and gravy and forgone the two sausage patties and omelet portioned eggs that were also atop my biscuits and smothered in gravy. Not to mention the hashbrowns, sourdough toast, and the side of avocado I also ordered.

Fret not my faithful followers, I did not eat the whole thing. I had about 1 1/4 biscuit, 1/2 of one sausage, barely any eggs, 1 piece of toast, all the hashbrowns, and 1/2 the avocado. In hindsight, the biscuits and gravy would have been enough.

So lunch time rolls around and I am craving those nachos that I tried for the first time yesterday at El Pollo Loco. My friend Eli stops by and we have a conversation about what I should eat vs what I will probably go eat. They are, of course, not the same. Remember that me and Eli are in a competition. One that started on Monday. One that I am miserably behind in. I am not naive enough to say it is through the fault of anyone but myself. I would like to say that I would prefer that those who love me stop me before I cheat by saying something like, "Hey you fat cow!! Do you really need nachos?," but let's all be honest, I'd cry. I can say those things to myself, and I do, but guess what? It isn't going to, nor has it yet, be helpful.

So how am I going to negate cravings, and unwanted extra calories, without a severe, tear-inducing tongue lashing? I don't know. I suppose if I did know, I wouldn't be nearly 40 lbs overweight. I will tell you this much: today I had a delicious Asian Sesame Chicken salad for lunch. No cheese, no wantons, dressing on the side. You can say it was a little bit of shame mixed with self pride, but maybe that will be what works.

I had my heart set on those nachos. Look at them . . . mmmm . . . even now I want them and I'm full of salad and two bites of chocolate cake (which if you know me, you know is a miracle that I stopped at two). But here is what happened. I made mention of heading off to EPL for delicious nachos and Eli (with such disappointment all over his face) says, "I'm in this alone aren't I?"
Alone? In an instant this word reverberated in my mind like a microphone too close to an amplifier. It pained me to hear that Eli felt, for even one second, that he was alone in anything and to make matters worse . . . I was the one who had, for all intents and purposes, abandoned him.

No Eli, you are not alone. I am in this. I do want to change my lifestyle, again, and hopefully forever. But, I am going to stumble and fall. I promise you that I will disappoint you, as much as you can be disappointed in me, and it will be disappointing to me too. I also promise, however, that I will get back up. I will dust the crumbs off my lap and take a walk. I will get up some mornings and hit the gym. I will wake up every morning with the intentions of watching my calories and eating healthy. And I know that I am not alone either. I have my friends, my family, and now my followers. And even when we do feel like we're alone, at least we're all together in that too. (P.S. I Love You's words, not mine).

Grandiose Gym Goals

After class last night (9:30ish pm) I decided that I was going to go home, go to bed, wake up at 4:30 am, eat, and be at the gym by 5 am. This, of course, did no happen. I didn't actually go to bed until about 2 am and waking up in two and half hours to eat and workout was the furthest thing from my mind. I am surprised I got up at 7 am to shower. In fact, had it not been for the fact that I hadn't washed my hair yesterday morning either (in an effort to sleep in later) I wouldn't have. But it was starting to look a little like a cross between the capsizing of an oil tanker and dreadlocks. So I dragged myself out of bed a little after 7 am (I work at 8) and started my day already wanting to drive-thru a fast food joint.

One thing that my closest friends know about me is that I am always dying. I have blood clots, toxic shock syndrome, amebic dysentery, the black plague, pretty much anything the internet tells me my symptoms could be. Sometimes it is almost comical the things my mind convinces me I have. I was watching a show on the Learning Channel and I was SURE I had malaria. After all the symptoms include: fever, chills, sweating, headache, body ache, nausea and/or vomiting, and fatigue. I was totally tired, my head was hurting, and so were my low back and shoulders. Never mind that it was 2 am and I do (really, honestly) have Fibromyalgia. I ache ALL the time, but in the moment I was dying with Malaria.

Coupled with hypochondria is my intense fear of dying. It isn't quite debilitating, as I still do things that could kill me, i.e. flying and zip-lines, but I can't say that I am happy about them (until after). These fears of mine lead to panic attacks that are not fun. They feel like ice water has been injected into my veins, my chest begins to tighten and it feels like, what I can only imagine, a heart attack feels like. I get dizzy and am 100% sure that if I attempt to fall asleep I will die. At this point my throat becomes dry and it is hard to swallow. Of course the only reasonable response is to assume that my throat is closing. If only you all knew how many times I was close to dialing 9-1-1 in these situations.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with the gym? Last night I had it in my head, no pun intended, that I have an aneurysm. My best friends husband is a nurse and he was talking about an operation a young girl had on one and he told me the symptoms, which of course I have, and last night I was convinced if I fell asleep, mine would burst and I wouldn't wake up. I forced myself to stay awake until I literally passed out and when the alarm went off this morning to wake me for my workout . . . I promptly told it to shut up and went back to sleep for another three hours.

As I was about to leave for work I had a flash of genius; grab your gym clothes and workout during your lunch break!! Who was I trying to kid? Waste the time I could be eating by burning fat!!!? I could go after work, but then I would be smelly for class. I can't go after class because it would be too late. I genuinely want to go to the gym today, but I just cant. You can all see that right? Riiiiggghhttt!

Ok, so really the only (semi) legitimate excuse was for this morning. I would have been no benefit to me to have worked out and been exhausted all day. This would have just led to being extra sore tomorrow due to the fibromyalgia which in turn would mean no gym tomorrow for sure. (Cause I'm sure I'll get up and be there at 5 am anyways.)

If, I've learned nothing else in my 28 years of dieting, I've learned this: You have to want it to do it. It isn't that I don't want it. I lost 10 lbs in January and I can easily do that again. I just see a wall in front of me right now. A wall that I know I created myself. It looks rather high, but I know that all I need is a little boost and I can scale it, but I am not quite sure what that boost is going to be. It certainly wasn't watching people drop weight on Biggest Loser last night. Perhaps I can find it at Del Taco . . . it is lunch time . . .

Disasters, Disappointments, & Disgust

Yesterday was Day 1 of the new healthy me. Of course it was one of the WORST possible days to attempt healthy eating. The night before my mom called to tell me that my grandpa couldn't breathe and was being taken to the hospital, again. See about 4 months ago Papa, as I like to call him, was winning big on a poker table at State Line. When you're on a winning streak, like he was, who has time to pay attention to the chest pains and numbing of his left arm? Almost 12 hours later Papa was in surgery having a major quadruple bypass surgery. He's been on oxygen ever since and Sunday night he can't breathe and is heading to the hospital.

I woke up yesterday to a text from my mom saying, "Gpa has congestive heart failure. They're going to remove the fluid from around his heart. Pray it doesn't come back."

A little history: at one point in my life I had three grandfathers and two grandmothers, but they have been slowly leaving this world. Two of my grandfathers were taken by the same thing that is currently threatening Papa. Needless to say having oatmeal for breakfast wasn't exactly a priority. In fact, all I really wanted was a greasy cheeseburger and french fries to make the pain go away.

In the long run, it isn't really going to ease any of my suffering. If I gain another pound, all I am going to do is feel like crap, be disappointed in myself, and ultimately hate myself even more than I already do. So I sucked it up and had a bowl of Special K cereal instead, 250 calories. I felt proud of myself for handling the stress and headed off to work in good spirits.

Once there, however, all hell broke loose. I was faced with the realization that I did NOTHING the entire weekend by way of homework because I had forgotten the books I needed to read. Now I'm behind like I am every quarter and that cheeseburger sounds like heaven. I went to Jamba Juice instead and had a Mango Mantra light, another 250 calories. Not too bad, but I had to drive by a Burger King, a Carl's Jr, a KFC, a McDonald's, and a Primo Burger's to get there. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about stopping at every single one of them. I settled on the Jamba Juice and a $0.99 bag of Salt & Vinegar lays (160 calories) and some sunflower seeds (calories unknown).

I had a delicious vegetable and turkey salad with a vinaigrette dressing (140 calories) for lunch with a blueberry-pomegranate gatorade (80 calories). Not to shabby for a day that was filled with temptation and a STRONG desire to eat unhealthily . . . until dinner.

Although it is believed to have been started by a strong Christian family, and Bible verses can be found on the bottom of every cup, In-N-Out is the work of the devil. They are delicious and addictive and they make all the stress melt just like the cheese on their burgers and I had one last night for dinner. It was, just as I had suspected, a stress reliever. With each bite I could feel the events of the day disappearing like the burger in my hands. Once I was finished, however, I was right again. I was so disappointed in myself. Not just disappointed, but disgusted with myself for giving into something that I knew was only a temporary release. But did that stop me from eating a hot dog at the ballgame about an hour later? NOPE!!! Did it stop me from eating a Carl's Jr breakfast burger combo this morning on the way to work? NOPE!!!

So what is different this time? Aren't I doing what I always do? Cheating on my own diet? No, because today I blogged about what I ate. Today I stand up and admit my food indiscretions. My name is Kristal Metzger and I am a foodaholic. So if you see me out feel free to smack that cheeseburger out of my hands.

Sushi, Starbucks, & (S)In-N-Out

Certainly anyone living in the southwest can attest to the deliciousness of In-N-Out. It is addictive, but ultra fattening and I had some today. Along with the new Dark Cherry Mocha from Starbucks and sushi. Not the healthy sashimi sushi, but the fattening delicious spicy mayonnaise filled sushi. Isn't it sad that all the foods that taste the best are the worst for you?

I originally started this blog in the hopes that it would be cathartic during a breakup AND simultaneously launch me into notoriety. I hoped that someone would read my brilliant insights, option them to into a book/movie deal (a la Sex in the City) and then I would be rich!!! I'd be free to go to school without the annoyance of a job and I could focus more time to blogging.

Then I met the man who would become my Fiance and my angst, not to mention motivation, towards my scathing blog was gone (thanks Honey!).

Blogging was then resurrected after I saw Julie & Julia. A fire was lit to blog about the hardships and horrors associated with a full-time Graduate schedule, a full-time job, and planning a wedding. Unfortunately we gave ourselves a year and things have been going pretty swimmingly planning the wedding and we have more than half of the decisions made. In fact, I should have been blogging about my evil, reading Nazi teacher who gave me a B+, but I was too busy trying to read everything to actually write. Now I am drawn to the keyboard for a different reason. Myself.

As of today I stand 5'3", 169.8 lbs. My ma

in measurements are 42 1/4, 39 3/4, 43 1/4.

Here I am in the first bikini that I ever bought. I bought this when I was 10 lbs lighter and I feel as though I looked much better in it than I do today.

When I look at this picture, as I type this blog, and I realize what I am doing here, I become extremely nervous. Those who know me may be shocked to find out that I am actually extremely insecure.

The fact this photo is even on this blog is completely out of my character because of how I feel when I look at it. I see FAT. I don't see the funny, outgoing, smart girl that I am. I see a girl who is a prisoner in her own body because I do feel trapped. I want to be one of those people who say, "I don't care what people think of me, but I do." When I order food at restaurants, I feel like other people are thinking, "she probably shouldn't be eating that." I feel like people can tell that my pants are too tight, or that they can see my muffin top.

The worst is trying on clothes. Shopping isn't therapeutic for me. It is a depressing, anxiety filled activity that inevitably ends with me in tears. It doesn't help that the last time I was doing so, I tried on a top that, admittedly didn't flatter me at all, and a lady asked me how far along I was. She even rubbed my stomach!!! I wanted to vomit and I cried the whole way back to my apartment, but then what? I convinced my Fiance to stop at Del Taco.

Here is the problem: I am unhappy with my weight, but I solve my unhappiness with food. Actually I solve everything with food. In fact, I may or may not have eaten my leftover Hawaiian BBQ on the way from Fiance's to my apartment. It was partly because I was hungry, but mostly because I was terrified about embarking on this journey. If I am bored, I eat. Tired, I eat. Sad, I eat. Frustrated, I eat.

I've tried every fad diet ever created from the Hollywood Diet to Atkins to Slimfast to Weight Watchers. I've lost weight, felt great then relapsed. Lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, gain. January 2010, I went from 169 to 159 and here it is April 2010 and I am again 169!! I used to wonder how it happened. Where things went wrong. How I allowed myself to fall into the same old patterns.

My friend Eli and I are about to have a contest, Biggest Loser style. Which one of us can lose the highest percentage of body fat in 90 days. Nothing has been settled yet as to what the winner wins (other than a better selg body image), but as I set out on this contest I wonder what makes this next 90 days different than the past 15 years worth of weight gain and loss and the answer is clear . . . this blog.

Here is my dirty little secret: I am a hider. "Did you eat well today?" "Yes, I had oatmeal, grapes, a sandwich, carrots and fat free ranch, and salmon for dinner." Sure, I failed to mention the twix bar I extracted from the vending machine, the girl scout cookies, and probably a half a bag of chips (sorry Fiance). After all wasn't most of the day eating well? Even this post title leaves out the French Toast I had also today (although that had more to do with alliteration than trying to hide food).

I decided that when I did it this time it WAS going to be different. That I was going to be different. I apologize to those of you who have fallen prey to my hiding, but now it's out. Say something out loud to yourself, you can pretend it never happened. Say something out loud to a friend or loved one, you can ask them to pretend it never happened. Say something out loud to the world, you have accountability. Now people know.

So here we go. A clean attempt at exercise and weight loss. I'm ready to be happy with myself although most of those who know me probably never knew I wasn't. I'm finally ready to live a life that includes the life I try to lead. Hopefully this blog will help me with that. I promise that not all posts will be as long as this one, but they will most certainly be as honest.