Grandiose Gym Goals

After class last night (9:30ish pm) I decided that I was going to go home, go to bed, wake up at 4:30 am, eat, and be at the gym by 5 am. This, of course, did no happen. I didn't actually go to bed until about 2 am and waking up in two and half hours to eat and workout was the furthest thing from my mind. I am surprised I got up at 7 am to shower. In fact, had it not been for the fact that I hadn't washed my hair yesterday morning either (in an effort to sleep in later) I wouldn't have. But it was starting to look a little like a cross between the capsizing of an oil tanker and dreadlocks. So I dragged myself out of bed a little after 7 am (I work at 8) and started my day already wanting to drive-thru a fast food joint.

One thing that my closest friends know about me is that I am always dying. I have blood clots, toxic shock syndrome, amebic dysentery, the black plague, pretty much anything the internet tells me my symptoms could be. Sometimes it is almost comical the things my mind convinces me I have. I was watching a show on the Learning Channel and I was SURE I had malaria. After all the symptoms include: fever, chills, sweating, headache, body ache, nausea and/or vomiting, and fatigue. I was totally tired, my head was hurting, and so were my low back and shoulders. Never mind that it was 2 am and I do (really, honestly) have Fibromyalgia. I ache ALL the time, but in the moment I was dying with Malaria.

Coupled with hypochondria is my intense fear of dying. It isn't quite debilitating, as I still do things that could kill me, i.e. flying and zip-lines, but I can't say that I am happy about them (until after). These fears of mine lead to panic attacks that are not fun. They feel like ice water has been injected into my veins, my chest begins to tighten and it feels like, what I can only imagine, a heart attack feels like. I get dizzy and am 100% sure that if I attempt to fall asleep I will die. At this point my throat becomes dry and it is hard to swallow. Of course the only reasonable response is to assume that my throat is closing. If only you all knew how many times I was close to dialing 9-1-1 in these situations.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with the gym? Last night I had it in my head, no pun intended, that I have an aneurysm. My best friends husband is a nurse and he was talking about an operation a young girl had on one and he told me the symptoms, which of course I have, and last night I was convinced if I fell asleep, mine would burst and I wouldn't wake up. I forced myself to stay awake until I literally passed out and when the alarm went off this morning to wake me for my workout . . . I promptly told it to shut up and went back to sleep for another three hours.

As I was about to leave for work I had a flash of genius; grab your gym clothes and workout during your lunch break!! Who was I trying to kid? Waste the time I could be eating by burning fat!!!? I could go after work, but then I would be smelly for class. I can't go after class because it would be too late. I genuinely want to go to the gym today, but I just cant. You can all see that right? Riiiiggghhttt!

Ok, so really the only (semi) legitimate excuse was for this morning. I would have been no benefit to me to have worked out and been exhausted all day. This would have just led to being extra sore tomorrow due to the fibromyalgia which in turn would mean no gym tomorrow for sure. (Cause I'm sure I'll get up and be there at 5 am anyways.)

If, I've learned nothing else in my 28 years of dieting, I've learned this: You have to want it to do it. It isn't that I don't want it. I lost 10 lbs in January and I can easily do that again. I just see a wall in front of me right now. A wall that I know I created myself. It looks rather high, but I know that all I need is a little boost and I can scale it, but I am not quite sure what that boost is going to be. It certainly wasn't watching people drop weight on Biggest Loser last night. Perhaps I can find it at Del Taco . . . it is lunch time . . .