Weekly Weigh-in Week 4

Ok, so I know that this is about 5 days too late, but I swear that I have been writing and re-writing this blog as each day goes by and for those of you who have wanted to read it . . . I guarantee that I have wanted to write it even more.

In weight-loss attempts in the past I've been known to be a dirty food liar, which is something that I always acknowledged in myself, but this past week another dieting revelation was revealed to me: I also lie to myself.

This week has been a rough one for me. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions that started with the weigh-in. This past week I maintained my weight. I know that I lost inches, however, because I had to cinch that belt just one loop tighter, but no actual pounds lost. I was happy to gain, but disappointed in what the scale said.

I went into full on pity party mode . . . I stopped cleaning the apartment, I stopped trying to get to bed at a decent hour, I stopped caring about the competition and what I ate, I stopped caring about school. I was ALL-IN!! Several times I said to myself, "Why even bother?" I cried A LOT!! Then to top it off, my cat fell ill. For which I also felt responsible for and with no money in the bank, I couldn't even fix with a trip to the vet.

I was virtually toast. I was exhausted, but not sleeping. I was laying like a sloth on the couch instead of doing homework, putting myself even further behind, I was lying to myself, desperate to convince myself that it wasn't worth eating healthy if I wasn't going to feel healthy or see results.

But who am I kidding, besides myself? I didn't exactly count my calories last week like I did the week I lost almost 4 lbs. Or this week even since I was too busy trying to convince myself that it wasn't something that I did wrong, I just wasn't meant to lose weight. I am destined to live unhealthy and unhappy.

Enter the Biggest Loser and fellow contestant Eli.

I was watching this Tuesday's episode and was literally lecturing (out loud) one of the contestant's about how far he had come. I was saying things to him that I wish I could say to myself. He cried, I cried, but in the end, the two of us (Mike and I) are in the same boat . . . we have problems, but we don't how to fix them.

This is where the conversation with Eli comes in. He says, "You know you're doing exactly what you want right?" Of course I do! I eat what I want, when I want (provided I have the money to do so) and sure I feel guilty about it later, but I can't help it. There I said it. I can't help myself. The easiest thing for a person to say is, "I'm not going to have fast food today," and then not have fast food that day. If I was that person, I wouldn't be here where I am. I would have lost more than 3.8 lbs in a month.

I've resigned myself to paying for the food day. In fact, sometimes, being in the competition makes me feel like giving up. I'll just pay for it and go back to eating the way that I have been and continue to be unhappy until I can find the drive to change the things I need to change. Or at least until I can figure out what the hell needs to change. All the external motivation isn't working on me and I am sad to say that I don't know what I need to do internally to change.

My separated twin Christi (ST) and I were talking today about the Biggest Loser today and how they always say that it isn't actually losing the weight that is hard. It isn't the physicality of the weight loss, it is all the mental crap that goes into it. So for now, since I don't feel that I am any closer to breaking the mental block than I was when I started on the road to a healthier me, I am going to have fake it. Dr. Phil told a lady on his show once that all she needed to do was "fake it 'til you make it." I am certainly going to fake it.

I am embarking on a new journey over the course of this competition. Friends of ours (Stacy and Rob) have graciously allowed for us to move in with them which is a huge financial break for us all. I am hoping that with a little extra money (and an extra fridge) that I will finally have the funds required to give my diet the attention that it needs. I also think that the stress that will be relieved by this arrangement is going to allow me the time to stop worrying about things I haven't been able to stop from piling up and to begin focusing on myself. Only time can tell from here.

Attitudes, Anger, and Appetite

I already knew that I was an emotional eater. I eat when I am sad, lonely, bored, and especially when I am happy. If I had a dime for every piece of food that I have put into my mouth because of some emotion that I had, I probably wouldn't care about the predicament that I currently find myself in. However, I am not rich and the bank is attempting to steal $25 of my money.

At first it was $50. I talked to the CSR on the phone and she told me she couldn't do anything for me and that I was going to have to talk to the branch manager. He was nice enough to tell me that I he would reverse one charge, "Against his better judgement?," but that he could not possibly reverse the other one. I worked in customer service practically my whole life, I KNOW that these charges can be reversed. They were NSF fees. They have no reasonable expectations to that money. They didn't know they were going to make $50 from me in a 24 hour period. All they knew is that they are jerks.

So I flat told him that he was a liar. He could possibly return that fee and that I needed to now talk to his manager. He transferred me to his manager who also told me that she couldn't reverse the fee either. After much arguing (and the tutoring center can attest that I was very convincing and surprisingly calm all things considered) she finally said, "Ma'am, you're right. I CAN return the fee, however, I am not going to." :O

I still did NOT lose my temper. I asked to talk to her manager. She gives me the number of the VP of operations for my bank, Edwards Federal Credit Union in case you were wondering, and I have left him a message, but like all good jerks, he didn't call me back before the close of business. I do not anticipate a phone call. I have given up hope that they will do the right thing and return my $25 that I still feel that they stole.

So what did I do? At first I was good. I counted calories. I ate what I was supposed to and I was good, but I was angry!! Being angry made me feel as though I had been left to fend myself for the last nine days. Unbeknownst to me, anger is another emotion that sends me to the fridge.

So here it is 10:44 pm and I pretty much took my day out in the three drinks I've had tonight (cranberry and malibu), nacho's, chips and guac, salsa, cheese, and Erin's delicious cream cheese dip. I didn't count. I actually won't be counting. I don't really know what I am going to do with today's events. Probably put a sad face in the book I log my food. Probably just pretend that it didn't happen. I haven't decided, but I know that whatever I do has to be coupled with a trip to the gym.

I feel like if I hadn't wussed out on the gym I wouldn't have needed to eat. I would have been pissed, gone to the gym, and worked out all my anger and instead I succumbed to the anger. I know that this whole thing is about attitudes. I need to find a better way to think about things. If it wasn't such a bad time to be out $25, I probably wouldn't have been so distraught, so now I've just realized that I need to change my attitude. I hope that ONE DAY I will be able to change it enough that my appetite will no longer be connected to each other.

Weekly Weigh in Week 3

I haven't blogged in DAYS and I must say that it is killing me. I think that I am beginning to crave blogging more than eating now. Which is a HUGE leap considering how much I love food, but it is very true.

So let's cut to the meat . . . Yesterday was a weigh-in day. Last Monday I weighed-in with no loss and no gain, but it was my birthday weekend and I didn't really count calories at all. To say I was a little disappointed would be an understatement. But I was renewed with vigor that day. Also by the fact that when I went to pick up my wedding dress it was a little tight.

I didn't mention that before because it made me a little sad and very embarrassed. I had a goal to get that beautiful dress altered, but I wanted it taken in. At the rate I was going I was going to have to have it exchanged for a heftier size. So this week I was determined to do better. Not to try to do better, but to just flat DO better.

So me and Eli worked it out that I was to eat about 1500 to 1800 calories a day. To me this seemed a little excessive and I thought I was in for a little sabotaging, but then I remembered that he is my friend first and competitor second, so I aimed for that goal. Monday I had 2230, but 830 of those was sushi so I didn't feel too bad. Tuesday I was at 1473. Wednesday was 1556. Thursday was 1446. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I didn't actually count. I was aware of what I was eating. I made smart decisions, but I didn't write anything down.

So how did the last three days effect my weigh-in? Well I stepped on the scale and . . . down 3.8. That is right folks!! I lost almost 4 lbs. The best part is that my back is still on the fritz so I haven't even been able to hit the gym yet and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to lose ANY weight. I had this fear that I was going to be stuck in this rut until I could really workout. Happy to see that this is not so. I can lose the weight, it will just be the toning that will be on hold for now.

So now that I know what I am capable of with and without the aid of the gym (which I am also actually craving) I think that I have a real shot in this competition and I think that my competitors should be very very afraid. :D