Weekly Weigh-in Week 4

Ok, so I know that this is about 5 days too late, but I swear that I have been writing and re-writing this blog as each day goes by and for those of you who have wanted to read it . . . I guarantee that I have wanted to write it even more.

In weight-loss attempts in the past I've been known to be a dirty food liar, which is something that I always acknowledged in myself, but this past week another dieting revelation was revealed to me: I also lie to myself.

This week has been a rough one for me. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions that started with the weigh-in. This past week I maintained my weight. I know that I lost inches, however, because I had to cinch that belt just one loop tighter, but no actual pounds lost. I was happy to gain, but disappointed in what the scale said.

I went into full on pity party mode . . . I stopped cleaning the apartment, I stopped trying to get to bed at a decent hour, I stopped caring about the competition and what I ate, I stopped caring about school. I was ALL-IN!! Several times I said to myself, "Why even bother?" I cried A LOT!! Then to top it off, my cat fell ill. For which I also felt responsible for and with no money in the bank, I couldn't even fix with a trip to the vet.

I was virtually toast. I was exhausted, but not sleeping. I was laying like a sloth on the couch instead of doing homework, putting myself even further behind, I was lying to myself, desperate to convince myself that it wasn't worth eating healthy if I wasn't going to feel healthy or see results.

But who am I kidding, besides myself? I didn't exactly count my calories last week like I did the week I lost almost 4 lbs. Or this week even since I was too busy trying to convince myself that it wasn't something that I did wrong, I just wasn't meant to lose weight. I am destined to live unhealthy and unhappy.

Enter the Biggest Loser and fellow contestant Eli.

I was watching this Tuesday's episode and was literally lecturing (out loud) one of the contestant's about how far he had come. I was saying things to him that I wish I could say to myself. He cried, I cried, but in the end, the two of us (Mike and I) are in the same boat . . . we have problems, but we don't how to fix them.

This is where the conversation with Eli comes in. He says, "You know you're doing exactly what you want right?" Of course I do! I eat what I want, when I want (provided I have the money to do so) and sure I feel guilty about it later, but I can't help it. There I said it. I can't help myself. The easiest thing for a person to say is, "I'm not going to have fast food today," and then not have fast food that day. If I was that person, I wouldn't be here where I am. I would have lost more than 3.8 lbs in a month.

I've resigned myself to paying for the food day. In fact, sometimes, being in the competition makes me feel like giving up. I'll just pay for it and go back to eating the way that I have been and continue to be unhappy until I can find the drive to change the things I need to change. Or at least until I can figure out what the hell needs to change. All the external motivation isn't working on me and I am sad to say that I don't know what I need to do internally to change.

My separated twin Christi (ST) and I were talking today about the Biggest Loser today and how they always say that it isn't actually losing the weight that is hard. It isn't the physicality of the weight loss, it is all the mental crap that goes into it. So for now, since I don't feel that I am any closer to breaking the mental block than I was when I started on the road to a healthier me, I am going to have fake it. Dr. Phil told a lady on his show once that all she needed to do was "fake it 'til you make it." I am certainly going to fake it.

I am embarking on a new journey over the course of this competition. Friends of ours (Stacy and Rob) have graciously allowed for us to move in with them which is a huge financial break for us all. I am hoping that with a little extra money (and an extra fridge) that I will finally have the funds required to give my diet the attention that it needs. I also think that the stress that will be relieved by this arrangement is going to allow me the time to stop worrying about things I haven't been able to stop from piling up and to begin focusing on myself. Only time can tell from here.