Disasters, Disappointments, & Disgust

Yesterday was Day 1 of the new healthy me. Of course it was one of the WORST possible days to attempt healthy eating. The night before my mom called to tell me that my grandpa couldn't breathe and was being taken to the hospital, again. See about 4 months ago Papa, as I like to call him, was winning big on a poker table at State Line. When you're on a winning streak, like he was, who has time to pay attention to the chest pains and numbing of his left arm? Almost 12 hours later Papa was in surgery having a major quadruple bypass surgery. He's been on oxygen ever since and Sunday night he can't breathe and is heading to the hospital.

I woke up yesterday to a text from my mom saying, "Gpa has congestive heart failure. They're going to remove the fluid from around his heart. Pray it doesn't come back."

A little history: at one point in my life I had three grandfathers and two grandmothers, but they have been slowly leaving this world. Two of my grandfathers were taken by the same thing that is currently threatening Papa. Needless to say having oatmeal for breakfast wasn't exactly a priority. In fact, all I really wanted was a greasy cheeseburger and french fries to make the pain go away.

In the long run, it isn't really going to ease any of my suffering. If I gain another pound, all I am going to do is feel like crap, be disappointed in myself, and ultimately hate myself even more than I already do. So I sucked it up and had a bowl of Special K cereal instead, 250 calories. I felt proud of myself for handling the stress and headed off to work in good spirits.

Once there, however, all hell broke loose. I was faced with the realization that I did NOTHING the entire weekend by way of homework because I had forgotten the books I needed to read. Now I'm behind like I am every quarter and that cheeseburger sounds like heaven. I went to Jamba Juice instead and had a Mango Mantra light, another 250 calories. Not too bad, but I had to drive by a Burger King, a Carl's Jr, a KFC, a McDonald's, and a Primo Burger's to get there. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about stopping at every single one of them. I settled on the Jamba Juice and a $0.99 bag of Salt & Vinegar lays (160 calories) and some sunflower seeds (calories unknown).

I had a delicious vegetable and turkey salad with a vinaigrette dressing (140 calories) for lunch with a blueberry-pomegranate gatorade (80 calories). Not to shabby for a day that was filled with temptation and a STRONG desire to eat unhealthily . . . until dinner.

Although it is believed to have been started by a strong Christian family, and Bible verses can be found on the bottom of every cup, In-N-Out is the work of the devil. They are delicious and addictive and they make all the stress melt just like the cheese on their burgers and I had one last night for dinner. It was, just as I had suspected, a stress reliever. With each bite I could feel the events of the day disappearing like the burger in my hands. Once I was finished, however, I was right again. I was so disappointed in myself. Not just disappointed, but disgusted with myself for giving into something that I knew was only a temporary release. But did that stop me from eating a hot dog at the ballgame about an hour later? NOPE!!! Did it stop me from eating a Carl's Jr breakfast burger combo this morning on the way to work? NOPE!!!

So what is different this time? Aren't I doing what I always do? Cheating on my own diet? No, because today I blogged about what I ate. Today I stand up and admit my food indiscretions. My name is Kristal Metzger and I am a foodaholic. So if you see me out feel free to smack that cheeseburger out of my hands.