I finally rolled myself out of bed and got ready for my day at about 7:15 am (again needing to be at work by 8). Once out of bed I realized three things: (1) I wasn't going to be washing my hair, or showering, (2) I didn't have enough time to make breakfast, but I was hungry, and (3) I was in some serious fibromyalgia pain. Of course my spirits were already lifted. I had myself convinced, for about an hour, that I didn't wake up and run off to the gym because I was already so sore from the fibro. I get to work ready to tell my co-workers all about my pain and how I couldn't go to the gym today because of it, but when I got there I suddenly thought, "Why do I need an excuse?" Is someone going to have me arrested because I didn't go to the gym today? "But officer, but I have an alibi!! I have fibromyalgia!!" So I didn't say anything except, "I'm ordering breakfast from Scrambelz. You guys want?"
Two things about my co-workers . . . First, they aren't just people I work with. They're all really good friends of mine. They've been with me through a lot and we hang out even on our days off. Secondly, we all LOVE food. As such, we're kinda a bad influence on each other, with me being the worst!! I think deep down I want them to cheat with me so that I don't feel so bad about myself. "See!! They're having (fill in your fave junk food here) too!! I'm not alone!!" Not that I want to sabotage them either. I want all of them to meet the healthy lifestyle goals that they set out for themselves. I want it just as much for them as I do myself, but here is where it is hard.
We are all friends and this environment is judge free. It is sooooo easy to cheat on a diet when you are among those you love. Especially when you have a fiance who tells you everyday that you are already "smokin hot" (his words, not mine). So I feel safe having eaten nachos from El Pollo Loco for lunch yesterday, and an Asiago bagel with (low fat) cream cheese from Starbucks for dinner last night. I feel even more comfortable for having ordered a "country scramble" for breakfast because I was craving biscuits and gravy. Of course I could have ordered just biscuits and gravy and forgone the two sausage patties and omelet portioned eggs that were also atop my biscuits and smothered in gravy. Not to mention the hashbrowns, sourdough toast, and the side of avocado I also ordered.
Fret not my faithful followers, I did not eat the whole thing. I had about 1 1/4 biscuit, 1/2 of one sausage, barely any eggs, 1 piece of toast, all the hashbrowns, and 1/2 the avocado. In hindsight, the biscuits and gravy would have been enough.
So lunch time rolls around and I am craving those nachos that I tried for the first time yesterday at El Pollo Loco. My friend Eli stops by and we have a conversation about what I should eat vs what I will probably go eat. They are, of course, not the same. Remember that me and Eli are in a competition. One that started on Monday. One that I am miserably behind in. I am not naive enough to say it is through the fault of anyone but myself. I would like to say that I would prefer that those who love me stop me before I cheat by saying something like, "Hey you fat cow!! Do you really need nachos?," but let's all be honest, I'd cry. I can say those things to myself, and I do, but guess what? It isn't going to, nor has it yet, be helpful.
So how am I going to negate cravings, and unwanted extra calories, without a severe, tear-inducing tongue lashing? I don't know. I suppose if I did know, I wouldn't be nearly 40 lbs overweight. I will tell you this much: today I had a delicious Asian Sesame Chicken salad for lunch. No cheese, no wantons, dressing on the side. You can say it was a little bit of shame mixed
with self pride, but maybe that will be what works.I had my heart set on those nachos. Look at them . . . mmmm . . . even now I want them and I'm full of salad and two bites of chocolate cake (which if you know me, you know is a miracle that I stopped at two). But here is what happened. I made mention of heading off to EPL for delicious nachos and Eli (with such disappointment all over his face) says, "I'm in this alone aren't I?"
Alone? In an instant this word reverberated in my mind like a microphone too close to an amplifier. It pained me to hear that Eli felt, for even one second, that he was alone in anything and to make matters worse . . . I was the one who had, for all intents and purposes, abandoned him.
No Eli, you are not alone. I am in this. I do want to change my lifestyle, again, and hopefully forever. But, I am going to stumble and fall. I promise you that I will disappoint you, as much as you can be disappointed in me, and it will be disappointing to me too. I also promise, however, that I will get back up. I will dust the crumbs off my lap and take a walk. I will get up some mornings and hit the gym. I will wake up every morning with the intentions of watching my calories and eating healthy. And I know that I am not alone either. I have my friends, my family, and now my followers. And even when we do feel like we're alone, at least we're all together in that too. (P.S. I Love You's words, not mine).
2 comments:
If there is one thing that is tough in our office, and I agree with you, is the consumption of junk and take out food. This blog has inspired me to go online and look for a refrigerator for our office. If we keep it stocked with healthy goodies, I think we can forgo the ease of running out to get bad food. If we have to be influences on one another, why does it have to be for bad things? It should also be for good. And I really do understand, one of the hardest things to do in our office is to say "no thanks" to the offer of EPL, Burger King, (S)In 'n Out, and other delicious houses of unholy food (thank you Robert Plant). But trust me, as someone who has been fighting to lose just 10 pounds, it gets easier and easier to say no. Maybe to help, every time you want to run out and get bad food, say it aloud. Guaranteed I will talk you out of it. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies; we get into our head some yummy craving, and never say it aloud. I know that if I said aloud all the times I had a craving, I would be eating takeout less because I would be aware of how often I eat on a craving, and not from hunger. This is something Kirsti Alley just learned on her show: eat when you are hungry. I myself had forgotten what it felt like, and now I look forward to it. Just keep up the good fight girl, you are well on your way to changing your habits. The more you are aware of your bad habits, and this blog helps, the better your chances are for understanding how you got where you are, and how to keep from going back. LOVE YOU!
I agree. We do eat out a lot. I can honestly say that I offer to bring you guys food/drinks on my way in out of kindness. I don't want to be the rude person walking in with a food/beverage alone, whilst you guys are unknowingly hungry/thirsty. But we were doing really good before at making healthy things at home and bringing them in to share; we can do that again! I am very much the same person as you (shocker, right ST?!) and I struggle constantly with my weight. I am doing decent right now, but not great, and I 100% do not want to be the person to make your journey harder. So, if you would like me to stop offering you food, stop bringing in bad things, or talk you out of the bad foods that you're craving, I will do that. I will do anything that will help you because I love you. And if that means smacking a cheeseburger out of your hands, or calling you a fat cow in my best Gordon Ramsey impersonation, I'll do it, for you. Just know that we are here for you, and we love you. And while I think you are, in fact, already smoking hot, I completely understand needing to feel comfortable in your own skin. You're an inspiration to me, and your strength in keeping such an honest blog is amazing. Love you ST!
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