For those of my followers who have been wondering what happened to me: No, I did not fall of the face of the earth. The earth is round and this isn't possible. Quite frankly I am disappointed in all of you for believing this to be possible in the first place, but this is the AV and the Flat Earth society does have a large following here so I shouldn't be surprised.
So since gravity and a round earth are still in full effect . . . where have I been? Well . . . I've been in limbo.
So the ten pounds that I lost earlier on in this blog are back and bastards that they are, they brought friends. I can't even begin to tell you how many friends because I refuse to step on the scale right now. I don't think it is good for me. I've been thinking more and more about what causes me to take these relapses before I've even really gotten started: Pressure!
Queen had it right way back in 81 when they said, "Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure." It is a killer. And while some people thrive and do their best work under it, I shut down.
I thought that the contest, which I easily lost, was going to be a great way to get into shape. I was going to be eating healthy with my friends and we were all going to get into shape and work out together and "blah blah blah." All I could think about was losing and letting them down. This just made me want to sneak more food. "If I go to In n Out today, they won't know." And really Eli and Katie wouldn't have known if I didn't tell them (until they saw me getting fatter and fatter). I just couldn't handle the pressure, the deadline, the whole challenge. The closer the date came, the less I wanted to count calories and the less I actually did.
Taco Bell's delicious Mexican Pizza and In N Out were too much for this shaky lady and at the end of the day (and the contest) they were the real winners.
Don't get me wrong, I by no means consider myself a loser in all this. It did manage to help me realize one thing . . . I don't want to feel like my weight loss is connected to the success or failure of someone else. I can't want to do it because Eli is ready and is going to go at it. I clearly wasn't ready. I can't want to do it because Katie joins the challenge, although it did renew my vigor for a spell. I have to want to do it because I want to do it. And I do want to do it, but that isn't going to be enough this time.
I am going to have to learn that people have cravings. It happens. AND I have to let myself have them. If I want an In N Out cheeseburger who says I shouldn't? If I was eating nothing, but burgers from In N Out for every meal every single day we could have a conversation, but one every now and then isn't going to kill me and I should get off my own back when I give in.
This brings me to the second thing I have to learn: forgiveness. I need to learn that one cheeseburger isn't going to ruin my long term goals for weight loss and healthy eating. Sure it may mess up a week (hence the refusal to get on a scale), but a potato with too much salt can do that too. And if I plan a way to curb the craving it may not be as bad as I think.
Finally, I need to not think in terms of weight. I don't really want to "lose" weight per se . . . I want the weight to look better on me. I know that somewhere in there I am going to be losing something, but that shouldn't be my focus. This "lose lose lose" mentality that I have every time I challenge myself adds pressure to my goals and then I mess up all over again. This time it is going to be about measurements and how I feel. That is the true testament to being healthy.
So no more 60 day weight loss challenges! No more unrealistic long term goals! No more pressure to achieve right away!! Now is the time to make things better slowly!!
My first goal on my new path to eating better and getting moving: Get on a solid sleep cycle within 2 weeks. This will help me have the energy I need to get back to the gym.
As for today I think that so far I have done pretty well. I had a healthy cereal with non-fat milk and an orange for breakfast and snack. Ribs, mashed potatoes, and pasta for lunch which was perfectly portioned out by my good friend/roomie Stacy (which upon first glance did not look like enough food, but totally was) and a fiber one bar. I have a peach and a small 2 oz bag of chips on deck for a snack in case I get hungry before I get off of work.
I can't tell you how many calories I have consumed or burned today because I can't begin to care right now. All I do know is that I made a healthier decision just by bringing smaller portions and fruit instead of processed snacks (save the chips, but they're at least kettle cooked chips). Ultimately the one thing that I forget the most is the one thing I should always attempt to remember, "Nothing tastes as good as being fit and healthy feels."
July 20, 2010
June 2, 2010
For my Faithful Followers
It has been a long good while since I sat down to write anything. This is mostly due to the fact that I haven't really had anything to write about. I haven't been eating well. Exercise is a joke to me and I managed to gain all my weight back. Plus 1 pound. So to say that I have been embarrassed to admit this would be an understatement. I am disgusted with myself.
Mostly because I knew what I was doing and I didn't care. I also didn't try to stop it. It is just more par for the course. Stress, school, relationships, and added moving to the heap of stuff that drives me to eat and what did I do. I ate.
I could have gone to the gym and worked my aggressions out, but who are we kidding? Panda Express sounded way better than sweating. I don't know what is wrong with me that I cannot allow myself to be happy, but I am hoping that I can figure it out before I am no longer a spectator for the Biggest Loser, I'm a contestant.
Mostly because I knew what I was doing and I didn't care. I also didn't try to stop it. It is just more par for the course. Stress, school, relationships, and added moving to the heap of stuff that drives me to eat and what did I do. I ate.
I could have gone to the gym and worked my aggressions out, but who are we kidding? Panda Express sounded way better than sweating. I don't know what is wrong with me that I cannot allow myself to be happy, but I am hoping that I can figure it out before I am no longer a spectator for the Biggest Loser, I'm a contestant.
May 14, 2010
Weekly Weigh-in Week 4
Ok, so I know that this is about 5 days too late, but I swear that I have been writing and re-writing this blog as each day goes by and for those of you who have wanted to read it . . . I guarantee that I have wanted to write it even more.
In weight-loss attempts in the past I've been known to be a dirty food liar, which is something that I always acknowledged in myself, but this past week another dieting revelation was revealed to me: I also lie to myself.
This week has been a rough one for me. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions that started with the weigh-in. This past week I maintained my weight. I know that I lost inches, however, because I had to cinch that belt just one loop tighter, but no actual pounds lost. I was happy to gain, but disappointed in what the scale said.
I went into full on pity party mode . . . I stopped cleaning the apartment, I stopped trying to get to bed at a decent hour, I stopped caring about the competition and what I ate, I stopped caring about school. I was ALL-IN!! Several times I said to myself, "Why even bother?" I cried A LOT!! Then to top it off, my cat fell ill. For which I also felt responsible for and with no money in the bank, I couldn't even fix with a trip to the vet.
I was virtually toast. I was exhausted, but not sleeping. I was laying like a sloth on the couch instead of doing homework, putting myself even further behind, I was lying to myself, desperate to convince myself that it wasn't worth eating healthy if I wasn't going to feel healthy or see results.
But who am I kidding, besides myself? I didn't exactly count my calories last week like I did the week I lost almost 4 lbs. Or this week even since I was too busy trying to convince myself that it wasn't something that I did wrong, I just wasn't meant to lose weight. I am destined to live unhealthy and unhappy.
Enter the Biggest Loser and fellow contestant Eli.
I was watching this Tuesday's episode and was literally lecturing (out loud) one of the contestant's about how far he had come. I was saying things to him that I wish I could say to myself. He cried, I cried, but in the end, the two of us (Mike and I) are in the same boat . . . we have problems, but we don't how to fix them.
This is where the conversation with Eli comes in. He says, "You know you're doing exactly what you want right?" Of course I do! I eat what I want, when I want (provided I have the money to do so) and sure I feel guilty about it later, but I can't help it. There I said it. I can't help myself. The easiest thing for a person to say is, "I'm not going to have fast food today," and then not have fast food that day. If I was that person, I wouldn't be here where I am. I would have lost more than 3.8 lbs in a month.
I've resigned myself to paying for the food day. In fact, sometimes, being in the competition makes me feel like giving up. I'll just pay for it and go back to eating the way that I have been and continue to be unhappy until I can find the drive to change the things I need to change. Or at least until I can figure out what the hell needs to change. All the external motivation isn't working on me and I am sad to say that I don't know what I need to do internally to change.
My separated twin Christi (ST) and I were talking today about the Biggest Loser today and how they always say that it isn't actually losing the weight that is hard. It isn't the physicality of the weight loss, it is all the mental crap that goes into it. So for now, since I don't feel that I am any closer to breaking the mental block than I was when I started on the road to a healthier me, I am going to have fake it. Dr. Phil told a lady on his show once that all she needed to do was "fake it 'til you make it." I am certainly going to fake it.
I am embarking on a new journey over the course of this competition. Friends of ours (Stacy and Rob) have graciously allowed for us to move in with them which is a huge financial break for us all. I am hoping that with a little extra money (and an extra fridge) that I will finally have the funds required to give my diet the attention that it needs. I also think that the stress that will be relieved by this arrangement is going to allow me the time to stop worrying about things I haven't been able to stop from piling up and to begin focusing on myself. Only time can tell from here.
In weight-loss attempts in the past I've been known to be a dirty food liar, which is something that I always acknowledged in myself, but this past week another dieting revelation was revealed to me: I also lie to myself.
This week has been a rough one for me. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions that started with the weigh-in. This past week I maintained my weight. I know that I lost inches, however, because I had to cinch that belt just one loop tighter, but no actual pounds lost. I was happy to gain, but disappointed in what the scale said.
I went into full on pity party mode . . . I stopped cleaning the apartment, I stopped trying to get to bed at a decent hour, I stopped caring about the competition and what I ate, I stopped caring about school. I was ALL-IN!! Several times I said to myself, "Why even bother?" I cried A LOT!! Then to top it off, my cat fell ill. For which I also felt responsible for and with no money in the bank, I couldn't even fix with a trip to the vet.
I was virtually toast. I was exhausted, but not sleeping. I was laying like a sloth on the couch instead of doing homework, putting myself even further behind, I was lying to myself, desperate to convince myself that it wasn't worth eating healthy if I wasn't going to feel healthy or see results.
But who am I kidding, besides myself? I didn't exactly count my calories last week like I did the week I lost almost 4 lbs. Or this week even since I was too busy trying to convince myself that it wasn't something that I did wrong, I just wasn't meant to lose weight. I am destined to live unhealthy and unhappy.
Enter the Biggest Loser and fellow contestant Eli.
I was watching this Tuesday's episode and was literally lecturing (out loud) one of the contestant's about how far he had come. I was saying things to him that I wish I could say to myself. He cried, I cried, but in the end, the two of us (Mike and I) are in the same boat . . . we have problems, but we don't how to fix them.
This is where the conversation with Eli comes in. He says, "You know you're doing exactly what you want right?" Of course I do! I eat what I want, when I want (provided I have the money to do so) and sure I feel guilty about it later, but I can't help it. There I said it. I can't help myself. The easiest thing for a person to say is, "I'm not going to have fast food today," and then not have fast food that day. If I was that person, I wouldn't be here where I am. I would have lost more than 3.8 lbs in a month.
I've resigned myself to paying for the food day. In fact, sometimes, being in the competition makes me feel like giving up. I'll just pay for it and go back to eating the way that I have been and continue to be unhappy until I can find the drive to change the things I need to change. Or at least until I can figure out what the hell needs to change. All the external motivation isn't working on me and I am sad to say that I don't know what I need to do internally to change.
My separated twin Christi (ST) and I were talking today about the Biggest Loser today and how they always say that it isn't actually losing the weight that is hard. It isn't the physicality of the weight loss, it is all the mental crap that goes into it. So for now, since I don't feel that I am any closer to breaking the mental block than I was when I started on the road to a healthier me, I am going to have fake it. Dr. Phil told a lady on his show once that all she needed to do was "fake it 'til you make it." I am certainly going to fake it.
I am embarking on a new journey over the course of this competition. Friends of ours (Stacy and Rob) have graciously allowed for us to move in with them which is a huge financial break for us all. I am hoping that with a little extra money (and an extra fridge) that I will finally have the funds required to give my diet the attention that it needs. I also think that the stress that will be relieved by this arrangement is going to allow me the time to stop worrying about things I haven't been able to stop from piling up and to begin focusing on myself. Only time can tell from here.
May 5, 2010
Attitudes, Anger, and Appetite
I already knew that I was an emotional eater. I eat when I am sad, lonely, bored, and especially when I am happy. If I had a dime for every piece of food that I have put into my mouth because of some emotion that I had, I probably wouldn't care about the predicament that I currently find myself in. However, I am not rich and the bank is attempting to steal $25 of my money.
At first it was $50. I talked to the CSR on the phone and she told me she couldn't do anything for me and that I was going to have to talk to the branch manager. He was nice enough to tell me that I he would reverse one charge, "Against his better judgement?," but that he could not possibly reverse the other one. I worked in customer service practically my whole life, I KNOW that these charges can be reversed. They were NSF fees. They have no reasonable expectations to that money. They didn't know they were going to make $50 from me in a 24 hour period. All they knew is that they are jerks.
So I flat told him that he was a liar. He could possibly return that fee and that I needed to now talk to his manager. He transferred me to his manager who also told me that she couldn't reverse the fee either. After much arguing (and the tutoring center can attest that I was very convincing and surprisingly calm all things considered) she finally said, "Ma'am, you're right. I CAN return the fee, however, I am not going to." :O
I still did NOT lose my temper. I asked to talk to her manager. She gives me the number of the VP of operations for my bank, Edwards Federal Credit Union in case you were wondering, and I have left him a message, but like all good jerks, he didn't call me back before the close of business. I do not anticipate a phone call. I have given up hope that they will do the right thing and return my $25 that I still feel that they stole.
So what did I do? At first I was good. I counted calories. I ate what I was supposed to and I was good, but I was angry!! Being angry made me feel as though I had been left to fend myself for the last nine days. Unbeknownst to me, anger is another emotion that sends me to the fridge.
So here it is 10:44 pm and I pretty much took my day out in the three drinks I've had tonight (cranberry and malibu), nacho's, chips and guac, salsa, cheese, and Erin's delicious cream cheese dip. I didn't count. I actually won't be counting. I don't really know what I am going to do with today's events. Probably put a sad face in the book I log my food. Probably just pretend that it didn't happen. I haven't decided, but I know that whatever I do has to be coupled with a trip to the gym.
I feel like if I hadn't wussed out on the gym I wouldn't have needed to eat. I would have been pissed, gone to the gym, and worked out all my anger and instead I succumbed to the anger. I know that this whole thing is about attitudes. I need to find a better way to think about things. If it wasn't such a bad time to be out $25, I probably wouldn't have been so distraught, so now I've just realized that I need to change my attitude. I hope that ONE DAY I will be able to change it enough that my appetite will no longer be connected to each other.
May 4, 2010
Weekly Weigh in Week 3
I haven't blogged in DAYS and I must say that it is killing me. I think that I am beginning to crave blogging more than eating now. Which is a HUGE leap considering how much I love food, but it is very true.
So let's cut to the meat . . . Yesterday was a weigh-in day. Last Monday I weighed-in with no loss and no gain, but it was my birthday weekend and I didn't really count calories at all. To say I was a little disappointed would be an understatement. But I was renewed with vigor that day. Also by the fact that when I went to pick up my wedding dress it was a little tight.
I didn't mention that before because it made me a little sad and very embarrassed. I had a goal to get that beautiful dress altered, but I wanted it taken in. At the rate I was going I was going to have to have it exchanged for a heftier size. So this week I was determined to do better. Not to try to do better, but to just flat DO better.
So me and Eli worked it out that I was to eat about 1500 to 1800 calories a day. To me this seemed a little excessive and I thought I was in for a little sabotaging, but then I remembered that he is my friend first and competitor second, so I aimed for that goal. Monday I had 2230, but 830 of those was sushi so I didn't feel too bad. Tuesday I was at 1473. Wednesday was 1556. Thursday was 1446. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I didn't actually count. I was aware of what I was eating. I made smart decisions, but I didn't write anything down.
So how did the last three days effect my weigh-in? Well I stepped on the scale and . . . down 3.8. That is right folks!! I lost almost 4 lbs. The best part is that my back is still on the fritz so I haven't even been able to hit the gym yet and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to lose ANY weight. I had this fear that I was going to be stuck in this rut until I could really workout. Happy to see that this is not so. I can lose the weight, it will just be the toning that will be on hold for now.
So now that I know what I am capable of with and without the aid of the gym (which I am also actually craving) I think that I have a real shot in this competition and I think that my competitors should be very very afraid. :D
So let's cut to the meat . . . Yesterday was a weigh-in day. Last Monday I weighed-in with no loss and no gain, but it was my birthday weekend and I didn't really count calories at all. To say I was a little disappointed would be an understatement. But I was renewed with vigor that day. Also by the fact that when I went to pick up my wedding dress it was a little tight.
I didn't mention that before because it made me a little sad and very embarrassed. I had a goal to get that beautiful dress altered, but I wanted it taken in. At the rate I was going I was going to have to have it exchanged for a heftier size. So this week I was determined to do better. Not to try to do better, but to just flat DO better.
So me and Eli worked it out that I was to eat about 1500 to 1800 calories a day. To me this seemed a little excessive and I thought I was in for a little sabotaging, but then I remembered that he is my friend first and competitor second, so I aimed for that goal. Monday I had 2230, but 830 of those was sushi so I didn't feel too bad. Tuesday I was at 1473. Wednesday was 1556. Thursday was 1446. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I didn't actually count. I was aware of what I was eating. I made smart decisions, but I didn't write anything down.
So how did the last three days effect my weigh-in? Well I stepped on the scale and . . . down 3.8. That is right folks!! I lost almost 4 lbs. The best part is that my back is still on the fritz so I haven't even been able to hit the gym yet and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to lose ANY weight. I had this fear that I was going to be stuck in this rut until I could really workout. Happy to see that this is not so. I can lose the weight, it will just be the toning that will be on hold for now.
So now that I know what I am capable of with and without the aid of the gym (which I am also actually craving) I think that I have a real shot in this competition and I think that my competitors should be very very afraid. :D
April 29, 2010
School, Stress, and Scarfing
I am here to firmly attest that these three things are not mutually exclusive. Especially for me. I am sure that there are those of you out there who can agree with this. You get stressed out and the first thing your mind thinks is, "Cheeeeesssseeeeburger!!!" This is often followed with some sort of fried food such as french fries, fried zucchini, curly fries, or waffle fries (my personal favorite). This duo of diet disruption isn't complete without a shake or soda. Sure this "relief" feels good in the moment, but as the pounds start to add up this choice doesn't seem so good.
Plus there are SOOOO many good excuses for eating fast food. (1) I work from 8am to 5pm and I go to school from 7:30m to 9:30pm. There simply isn't the TIME to make a healthy dinner. (2) I have an assignment due in a few hours that still needs to be finished (or almost always for me, starting AND finishing), so I don't have TIME to make a healthy dinner. (3) I only have an hour for lunch . . . what could I possibly find in an HOUR that is healthy? (4) I have so many OTHER things to do in the morning, I don't have the TIME to pack a healthy lunch.
There are probably far more excuses out there, these are just some of the bog ones that I tell myself. Luckily for me, towards the end of the month I run out of money and hitting the fast food joints, just isn't in the cards for me. Like today. I have .18 to my name until pay day. I am FORCED into eating food that is prepared at my house, but that doesn't alleviate the exhaustion I feel after having worked ALL day and gone to school for the better part of the night.
I don't mean to sound like I am whining about my life, but I am kinda whining about my attitude about my life. I have all these reasons for why I don't have the TIME to take care of myself, but if I don't start doing it I am never going to be truly happy. This doesn't mean that I am unhappy. I have a great job in a time where they are scarce, I have FANTABULOUS friends who support me no matter what I want to do, I have an amazing family who loves me and who are involved in my life, a wonderful Fiance who pretty much was made to be in my life from God himself, and am nearly finished with my Master's in English degree. There isn't a whole lot in there to be unhappy about. It is all about how I feel about myself.
I am proud of all the things therein that I have set my mind to do AND accomplished. I just wish that losing weight and staying fit was also included. Yes, I go to school. Yes, school is stressful. Yes, LIFE is stressful. I just don't know how I can get it into my head that all these outside forces do not equate to a need for food!! As I was watching Biggest Loser, hoping for a spark of inspiration, I saw a man who's brother had passed away. Instead of reaching for a cheeseburger, he reached for exercise. How easy would my life be if I could find myself in a stressful situation and think, "I really need to hit the gym" instead of "Ooo . . . Panda Express is right there!"
Plus there are SOOOO many good excuses for eating fast food. (1) I work from 8am to 5pm and I go to school from 7:30m to 9:30pm. There simply isn't the TIME to make a healthy dinner. (2) I have an assignment due in a few hours that still needs to be finished (or almost always for me, starting AND finishing), so I don't have TIME to make a healthy dinner. (3) I only have an hour for lunch . . . what could I possibly find in an HOUR that is healthy? (4) I have so many OTHER things to do in the morning, I don't have the TIME to pack a healthy lunch.
There are probably far more excuses out there, these are just some of the bog ones that I tell myself. Luckily for me, towards the end of the month I run out of money and hitting the fast food joints, just isn't in the cards for me. Like today. I have .18 to my name until pay day. I am FORCED into eating food that is prepared at my house, but that doesn't alleviate the exhaustion I feel after having worked ALL day and gone to school for the better part of the night.
I don't mean to sound like I am whining about my life, but I am kinda whining about my attitude about my life. I have all these reasons for why I don't have the TIME to take care of myself, but if I don't start doing it I am never going to be truly happy. This doesn't mean that I am unhappy. I have a great job in a time where they are scarce, I have FANTABULOUS friends who support me no matter what I want to do, I have an amazing family who loves me and who are involved in my life, a wonderful Fiance who pretty much was made to be in my life from God himself, and am nearly finished with my Master's in English degree. There isn't a whole lot in there to be unhappy about. It is all about how I feel about myself.
I am proud of all the things therein that I have set my mind to do AND accomplished. I just wish that losing weight and staying fit was also included. Yes, I go to school. Yes, school is stressful. Yes, LIFE is stressful. I just don't know how I can get it into my head that all these outside forces do not equate to a need for food!! As I was watching Biggest Loser, hoping for a spark of inspiration, I saw a man who's brother had passed away. Instead of reaching for a cheeseburger, he reached for exercise. How easy would my life be if I could find myself in a stressful situation and think, "I really need to hit the gym" instead of "Ooo . . . Panda Express is right there!"
April 26, 2010
Weekly Weigh-in Week 2
Have you ever watched the Biggest Loser? The first two weeks on the ranch and the contestants usually lose about 30 lbs. Can I get in on that? I mean I only have about 34 lbs to lose at all and to do so in 3 weeks sounds like heaven. I could spend the rest of the competition maintaining. So bring it on Bob and Gillian. I am ready!!!!
Insert reality.
Today I am laid up in bed with severe back pain. My goal to hit the gym in the wee am morning was thwarted by a pain so bad that I am only comfortable when I am doused in icy/hot and laying completely still. I'd like to have some cool story about how it ended up hurt, but it likely happened while I was cleaning the apartment yesterday. So boring.
All my goals have not been completely cast aside today. I hobbled my way to the scale only to find that I had maintained for a week. No loss, no gain. I suppose that I should be happy that I didn't gain anything. That means that while I wasn't exactly counting calories, I did manage to keep my portions under control. And let's not forget that it was my birthday weekend and I consumed A LOT of alcohol over three days. No gain is almost too fantastical an occurrence to believe. Yet it . . . just . . . happened!! Is your mind blown?
So today I am already breakfast and a snack into the day at 470 calories. Hopefully after a muscle relaxer induced coma I will be able to get out of the apartment for a walk. I am not naive enough to assume that I could make a full recovery and hit the gym as I had hoped, but a nice walk in the fresh air is better than laying like a slug all day in bed. Any calories burned are better than calories converted to fat.
April 22, 2010
Birthdays, Babies and Body-Building
Yesterday I turned 29 years old. I like to joke around with people that I am going to celebrate my fourth-annual 25th birthday, but here is my dirty little secret . . . I am actually not terribly upset to be so close to 30. Don't get me wrong, there are so many things that I expected to have done by now. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I expected that by the time I was 30 I would have been married for 5 or 6 years and have one or two children.
I've luckily not married any of the men I once thought I wanted to. That would have only amounted to three divorces. What's better is not having had children with any of them either. I would rather crawl through broken glass and swim through a salt water pool than have anything that ties me to any of those three men. (I know what you're thinking; I wish I was more honest and open with my feelings too.)
So here I am 1 year and 1 month from my wedding day. That's right folks, I'll be 30 before I'll have had my first marriage, but it is going to be with the man that I love and truly can't wait to spend my life with. He is bringing into my life a child of eight, almost nine. So I am nearly there to the life goals that I set for myself so many years ago. But that doesn't stop that biological clock from ticking.
Tick I want a baby. Tock You're getting older, time for a baby. Tick You're almost 30 and no baby. Tock BABY! BABY! BABY!
So my good friend Megan says to me, "We can get our bodies into shape so that they are ready when we get pregnant!" . . . GENIUS!!! If I am already 45.13% body fat AND I am adding baby weight . . . I don't foresee that going over very well. Especially since, and let's all be honest, I will be one of those girls, "But I am eating for TWO!" We all know that, yes, technically pregnant women are sustaining two lives, but that isn't an excuse to eat chili cheese fry pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. IN FACT, I am well aware that it is the perfect time to eat even healthier to ensure the wellness of both mommy and child. My concern, however, is that if I can't even control my eating now when only my health is on the line . . . how will I ever be able to do it then?
Let's not pretend that I have been to the gym once since I posted this blog. It was intended for me and Eli to hit the gym this morning for some 6am CKMBM time at the gym, but like a lameo, I didn't get enough sleep last night and I just wasn't down to get up that early (sorry buddy). I am also supposed to go walking after work and before class with Katie, but that isn't going to happen either. Not just because of lack of sleep, but also because I don't know how serious I am taking this first week because of my birthday. Between nachos and chips & guac last night and the country scramble for breakfast (of which I didn't eat all of yet), I know that I SHOULD be working out, but I just flat am not going to. Period.
This doesn't mean that I am not serious about the competition that I am entered into with Katie and Eli, it just means that I am not serious about it yesterday and today. It is my birthday, and while I know that it is yet another excuse in the long list of excuses that has led to my weight gain, it still isn't enough to guilt myself into doing anything. I'd much rather have my fun and then forget all about it come Friday morning. Of course on Friday morning will be my blog about how disgusting and guilty I feel about not having cared these last two days, but we'll write that blog when we come to it.
Tick I want a baby. Tock You're getting older, time for a baby. Tick You're almost 30 and no baby. Tock BABY! BABY! BABY!
So my good friend Megan says to me, "We can get our bodies into shape so that they are ready when we get pregnant!" . . . GENIUS!!! If I am already 45.13% body fat AND I am adding baby weight . . . I don't foresee that going over very well. Especially since, and let's all be honest, I will be one of those girls, "But I am eating for TWO!" We all know that, yes, technically pregnant women are sustaining two lives, but that isn't an excuse to eat chili cheese fry pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. IN FACT, I am well aware that it is the perfect time to eat even healthier to ensure the wellness of both mommy and child. My concern, however, is that if I can't even control my eating now when only my health is on the line . . . how will I ever be able to do it then?
Let's not pretend that I have been to the gym once since I posted this blog. It was intended for me and Eli to hit the gym this morning for some 6am CKMBM time at the gym, but like a lameo, I didn't get enough sleep last night and I just wasn't down to get up that early (sorry buddy). I am also supposed to go walking after work and before class with Katie, but that isn't going to happen either. Not just because of lack of sleep, but also because I don't know how serious I am taking this first week because of my birthday. Between nachos and chips & guac last night and the country scramble for breakfast (of which I didn't eat all of yet), I know that I SHOULD be working out, but I just flat am not going to. Period.
This doesn't mean that I am not serious about the competition that I am entered into with Katie and Eli, it just means that I am not serious about it yesterday and today. It is my birthday, and while I know that it is yet another excuse in the long list of excuses that has led to my weight gain, it still isn't enough to guilt myself into doing anything. I'd much rather have my fun and then forget all about it come Friday morning. Of course on Friday morning will be my blog about how disgusting and guilty I feel about not having cared these last two days, but we'll write that blog when we come to it.
April 20, 2010
Weekly Weigh-in Week 1
Between a mini-vacay to Catalina island and a hectic work schedule I am finally able to pull a few minutes together to blog. I have been going through serious blog withdrawls. I wanted to post all weekend, but I didn't bring my laptop (lest I be tempted to do homework) and the internet wasn't all that great besides.
I wish I could say that I was a good girl this weekend. I'd be lying if I said that calories were on my mind the WHOLE time. I did have glimmers of my goal, but that was mostly the first night as I had to take off my dress to reveal myself in my bathing suit. I promptly entered the spa and remained there until most of the people had left. It was then that I was comfortable enough to leave the safety of the spa for the pool (which may claim it was heated, but I felt like Clark Griswold for a minute).
Did any of this stop me from having pizza? Nope. Battered fish and chips? Nope. Cheese loaded omelet's? Nope. I ate what I want!!! We did do A LOT of walking, don't get me wrong there. I was thoroughly embarrassed at the ease with which I was winded climbing stairs on our Ghost Tour. I felt like, what I imagine the Biggest Loser's contestants look like their first week on campus. I felt a tightening in my chest and I even started sweating . . . I mean glistening . . . a little. This from a girl who not 3 months ago could go 45 minutes on the CKMB machine at 24 hour fitness. That girl is really disappointed in this girl I've become.
So how do I get back to that hot little tamale? Insert Body fat percentage. I am technically obese. Not severely, but once one hears the word obese it changes things a little. All those (S)In-N-Out burgers and miscellaneous other junk foods that sounded so good a week ago are starting to feel heavy on my limbs. I can actually feel the 45.13% of fat that is hanging on my body like someone suddenly attached invisible weights to my body. BUT, the important part is that it isn't going to weigh down my spirits.
Last Monday I weighed in at 169.8 and this Monday I weighed in at . . . drumroll please . . . 169.6!!!! Yay!!! I lost .2 lbs!!! Ok, so I am definitely not going to break any Biggest Loser records with that, and I may as well not have lost anything at all, but even a .2 loss is a loss. I didn't gain any more weight and I have 2 ounces less fat on my body. I doubt that it changed my BFP any, but I still have about 11 weeks to come back and kick Eli and Kate ( a newcomer to our weight loss challenge) butts!!! There may always be another hill to climb tomorrow, but at least at some point it'll be easier to get to the top!
I wish I could say that I was a good girl this weekend. I'd be lying if I said that calories were on my mind the WHOLE time. I did have glimmers of my goal, but that was mostly the first night as I had to take off my dress to reveal myself in my bathing suit. I promptly entered the spa and remained there until most of the people had left. It was then that I was comfortable enough to leave the safety of the spa for the pool (which may claim it was heated, but I felt like Clark Griswold for a minute).
Did any of this stop me from having pizza? Nope. Battered fish and chips? Nope. Cheese loaded omelet's? Nope. I ate what I want!!! We did do A LOT of walking, don't get me wrong there. I was thoroughly embarrassed at the ease with which I was winded climbing stairs on our Ghost Tour. I felt like, what I imagine the Biggest Loser's contestants look like their first week on campus. I felt a tightening in my chest and I even started sweating . . . I mean glistening . . . a little. This from a girl who not 3 months ago could go 45 minutes on the CKMB machine at 24 hour fitness. That girl is really disappointed in this girl I've become.
So how do I get back to that hot little tamale? Insert Body fat percentage. I am technically obese. Not severely, but once one hears the word obese it changes things a little. All those (S)In-N-Out burgers and miscellaneous other junk foods that sounded so good a week ago are starting to feel heavy on my limbs. I can actually feel the 45.13% of fat that is hanging on my body like someone suddenly attached invisible weights to my body. BUT, the important part is that it isn't going to weigh down my spirits.
Last Monday I weighed in at 169.8 and this Monday I weighed in at . . . drumroll please . . . 169.6!!!! Yay!!! I lost .2 lbs!!! Ok, so I am definitely not going to break any Biggest Loser records with that, and I may as well not have lost anything at all, but even a .2 loss is a loss. I didn't gain any more weight and I have 2 ounces less fat on my body. I doubt that it changed my BFP any, but I still have about 11 weeks to come back and kick Eli and Kate ( a newcomer to our weight loss challenge) butts!!! There may always be another hill to climb tomorrow, but at least at some point it'll be easier to get to the top!
April 15, 2010
Cravings,Co-Workers, and Calories
Today I slept in, again. I wasn't dying of some unknown malady, I didn't stay up late reading for class (although I should have), nor was I cleaning out the tivo with a SVU marathon so I don't have a good excuse for sleeping in. I was OUT by 10:30 pm at the latest and I could have easily been up and at the gym, but I just flat didn't. When the alarm went off this morning I simply hit snooze, snooze, snooze, for about 3 hours (sorry Chris).
I finally rolled myself out of bed and got ready for my day at about 7:15 am (again needing to be at work by 8). Once out of bed I realized three things: (1) I wasn't going to be washing my hair, or showering, (2) I didn't have enough time to make breakfast, but I was hungry, and (3) I was in some serious fibromyalgia pain. Of course my spirits were already lifted. I had myself convinced, for about an hour, that I didn't wake up and run off to the gym because I was already so sore from the fibro. I get to work ready to tell my co-workers all about my pain and how I couldn't go to the gym today because of it, but when I got there I suddenly thought, "Why do I need an excuse?" Is someone going to have me arrested because I didn't go to the gym today? "But officer, but I have an alibi!! I have fibromyalgia!!" So I didn't say anything except, "I'm ordering breakfast from Scrambelz. You guys want?"
Two things about my co-workers . . . First, they aren't just people I work with. They're all really good friends of mine. They've been with me through a lot and we hang out even on our days off. Secondly, we all LOVE food. As such, we're kinda a bad influence on each other, with me being the worst!! I think deep down I want them to cheat with me so that I don't feel so bad about myself. "See!! They're having (fill in your fave junk food here) too!! I'm not alone!!" Not that I want to sabotage them either. I want all of them to meet the healthy lifestyle goals that they set out for themselves. I want it just as much for them as I do myself, but here is where it is hard.
We are all friends and this environment is judge free. It is sooooo easy to cheat on a diet when you are among those you love. Especially when you have a fiance who tells you everyday that you are already "smokin hot" (his words, not mine). So I feel safe having eaten nachos from El Pollo Loco for lunch yesterday, and an Asiago bagel with (low fat) cream cheese from Starbucks for dinner last night. I feel even more comfortable for having ordered a "country scramble" for breakfast because I was craving biscuits and gravy. Of course I could have ordered just biscuits and gravy and forgone the two sausage patties and omelet portioned eggs that were also atop my biscuits and smothered in gravy. Not to mention the hashbrowns, sourdough toast, and the side of avocado I also ordered.
Fret not my faithful followers, I did not eat the whole thing. I had about 1 1/4 biscuit, 1/2 of one sausage, barely any eggs, 1 piece of toast, all the hashbrowns, and 1/2 the avocado. In hindsight, the biscuits and gravy would have been enough.
So lunch time rolls around and I am craving those nachos that I tried for the first time yesterday at El Pollo Loco. My friend Eli stops by and we have a conversation about what I should eat vs what I will probably go eat. They are, of course, not the same. Remember that me and Eli are in a competition. One that started on Monday. One that I am miserably behind in. I am not naive enough to say it is through the fault of anyone but myself. I would like to say that I would prefer that those who love me stop me before I cheat by saying something like, "Hey you fat cow!! Do you really need nachos?," but let's all be honest, I'd cry. I can say those things to myself, and I do, but guess what? It isn't going to, nor has it yet, be helpful.
So how am I going to negate cravings, and unwanted extra calories, without a severe, tear-inducing tongue lashing? I don't know. I suppose if I did know, I wouldn't be nearly 40 lbs overweight. I will tell you this much: today I had a delicious Asian Sesame Chicken salad for lunch. No cheese, no wantons, dressing on the side. You can say it was a little bit of shame mixed
with self pride, but maybe that will be what works.
I had my heart set on those nachos. Look at them . . . mmmm . . . even now I want them and I'm full of salad and two bites of chocolate cake (which if you know me, you know is a miracle that I stopped at two). But here is what happened. I made mention of heading off to EPL for delicious nachos and Eli (with such disappointment all over his face) says, "I'm in this alone aren't I?"
Alone? In an instant this word reverberated in my mind like a microphone too close to an amplifier. It pained me to hear that Eli felt, for even one second, that he was alone in anything and to make matters worse . . . I was the one who had, for all intents and purposes, abandoned him.
No Eli, you are not alone. I am in this. I do want to change my lifestyle, again, and hopefully forever. But, I am going to stumble and fall. I promise you that I will disappoint you, as much as you can be disappointed in me, and it will be disappointing to me too. I also promise, however, that I will get back up. I will dust the crumbs off my lap and take a walk. I will get up some mornings and hit the gym. I will wake up every morning with the intentions of watching my calories and eating healthy. And I know that I am not alone either. I have my friends, my family, and now my followers. And even when we do feel like we're alone, at least we're all together in that too. (P.S. I Love You's words, not mine).
I finally rolled myself out of bed and got ready for my day at about 7:15 am (again needing to be at work by 8). Once out of bed I realized three things: (1) I wasn't going to be washing my hair, or showering, (2) I didn't have enough time to make breakfast, but I was hungry, and (3) I was in some serious fibromyalgia pain. Of course my spirits were already lifted. I had myself convinced, for about an hour, that I didn't wake up and run off to the gym because I was already so sore from the fibro. I get to work ready to tell my co-workers all about my pain and how I couldn't go to the gym today because of it, but when I got there I suddenly thought, "Why do I need an excuse?" Is someone going to have me arrested because I didn't go to the gym today? "But officer, but I have an alibi!! I have fibromyalgia!!" So I didn't say anything except, "I'm ordering breakfast from Scrambelz. You guys want?"
Two things about my co-workers . . . First, they aren't just people I work with. They're all really good friends of mine. They've been with me through a lot and we hang out even on our days off. Secondly, we all LOVE food. As such, we're kinda a bad influence on each other, with me being the worst!! I think deep down I want them to cheat with me so that I don't feel so bad about myself. "See!! They're having (fill in your fave junk food here) too!! I'm not alone!!" Not that I want to sabotage them either. I want all of them to meet the healthy lifestyle goals that they set out for themselves. I want it just as much for them as I do myself, but here is where it is hard.
We are all friends and this environment is judge free. It is sooooo easy to cheat on a diet when you are among those you love. Especially when you have a fiance who tells you everyday that you are already "smokin hot" (his words, not mine). So I feel safe having eaten nachos from El Pollo Loco for lunch yesterday, and an Asiago bagel with (low fat) cream cheese from Starbucks for dinner last night. I feel even more comfortable for having ordered a "country scramble" for breakfast because I was craving biscuits and gravy. Of course I could have ordered just biscuits and gravy and forgone the two sausage patties and omelet portioned eggs that were also atop my biscuits and smothered in gravy. Not to mention the hashbrowns, sourdough toast, and the side of avocado I also ordered.
Fret not my faithful followers, I did not eat the whole thing. I had about 1 1/4 biscuit, 1/2 of one sausage, barely any eggs, 1 piece of toast, all the hashbrowns, and 1/2 the avocado. In hindsight, the biscuits and gravy would have been enough.
So lunch time rolls around and I am craving those nachos that I tried for the first time yesterday at El Pollo Loco. My friend Eli stops by and we have a conversation about what I should eat vs what I will probably go eat. They are, of course, not the same. Remember that me and Eli are in a competition. One that started on Monday. One that I am miserably behind in. I am not naive enough to say it is through the fault of anyone but myself. I would like to say that I would prefer that those who love me stop me before I cheat by saying something like, "Hey you fat cow!! Do you really need nachos?," but let's all be honest, I'd cry. I can say those things to myself, and I do, but guess what? It isn't going to, nor has it yet, be helpful.
So how am I going to negate cravings, and unwanted extra calories, without a severe, tear-inducing tongue lashing? I don't know. I suppose if I did know, I wouldn't be nearly 40 lbs overweight. I will tell you this much: today I had a delicious Asian Sesame Chicken salad for lunch. No cheese, no wantons, dressing on the side. You can say it was a little bit of shame mixed
with self pride, but maybe that will be what works.I had my heart set on those nachos. Look at them . . . mmmm . . . even now I want them and I'm full of salad and two bites of chocolate cake (which if you know me, you know is a miracle that I stopped at two). But here is what happened. I made mention of heading off to EPL for delicious nachos and Eli (with such disappointment all over his face) says, "I'm in this alone aren't I?"
Alone? In an instant this word reverberated in my mind like a microphone too close to an amplifier. It pained me to hear that Eli felt, for even one second, that he was alone in anything and to make matters worse . . . I was the one who had, for all intents and purposes, abandoned him.
No Eli, you are not alone. I am in this. I do want to change my lifestyle, again, and hopefully forever. But, I am going to stumble and fall. I promise you that I will disappoint you, as much as you can be disappointed in me, and it will be disappointing to me too. I also promise, however, that I will get back up. I will dust the crumbs off my lap and take a walk. I will get up some mornings and hit the gym. I will wake up every morning with the intentions of watching my calories and eating healthy. And I know that I am not alone either. I have my friends, my family, and now my followers. And even when we do feel like we're alone, at least we're all together in that too. (P.S. I Love You's words, not mine).
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